it's funny. It is. I finally understand the concept of self sabotage. I also understand why we do it. wow.
I don't know if I'm ever going to change, I don't. It's so easy to slip back into old habbits, to go back to whats familiar and comfortable. It's so easy. I'm not princess, I'm not I'm not even going to pretend to be. I've always been the rockstar type. I know this probably doesn't make sense as I can't sing or play any instrument whatsoever but I'm a rockstar.
29.12.10
19.12.10
sabotage.
self sabotage.
Sabotage according to google - "Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction"
I don't get why we sabotage ourselves. I understand trying to sabotage something or someone else but not ourselves. Yet here we are again and you're screwing it all up. You got what you wanted!! You got it all and there was no karma for your actions. You're never going to learn and I still don't see why you're doing this? One day you are going to grow up to be a very lonely old man.
It's funny this has come up again because tonight at dinner I was told "not to sabotage it" It the first time I have ever had someone say that to me. Self sabotage... it's such a bizarre thing it's messing with my mind a bit.
Sabotage according to google - "Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction"
I don't get why we sabotage ourselves. I understand trying to sabotage something or someone else but not ourselves. Yet here we are again and you're screwing it all up. You got what you wanted!! You got it all and there was no karma for your actions. You're never going to learn and I still don't see why you're doing this? One day you are going to grow up to be a very lonely old man.
It's funny this has come up again because tonight at dinner I was told "not to sabotage it" It the first time I have ever had someone say that to me. Self sabotage... it's such a bizarre thing it's messing with my mind a bit.
16.12.10
I am not superman.
I wish more than anything in the world that I knew the right words, that I could make all the pain and all the crap go away. I wish I was superman but I'm, I am so exhausted from trying.
It is so hard to be around negativity when I'm so happy and positive. I am in a good place and I wish all of you were too. I really really do but I can't fix everything for everyone as much as I want too.
So many of you are hurting and it breaks my heart but please try and look for the silver lining. The last thing I want is to walk away but I am not sure how much longer I can hang on.
It is so hard to be around negativity when I'm so happy and positive. I am in a good place and I wish all of you were too. I really really do but I can't fix everything for everyone as much as I want too.
So many of you are hurting and it breaks my heart but please try and look for the silver lining. The last thing I want is to walk away but I am not sure how much longer I can hang on.
grillz.
It still amazes me that I miss you. I seen her post, I know you were the one in the wrong and yet I still want to take your side, I still wait for the day you turn around and tell me you don't hate me and that yes, you miss me and you want to go back to being friends.
I know what it was liek with us, I was there, I lived it too and no you're not to blame but you're not the victim either. We were as bad as each other, there's no denying that. But despite all the bad, there was so so much good.
I miss the good times and there's nothing I wouldn't give to have one more chance to speak to you. There is so much we left unsaid. Do you deliberately forget to remember that I was your best friend and that it was me who was there.
Like I said I'm amazed that I miss you. I shouldn't but it's when I see that shit that I feel sorry for you and I want to help you. You need to get out of this black hole you're in and go back to being the boy that I knew and trusted with my life.
I should never have walked away.
I know what it was liek with us, I was there, I lived it too and no you're not to blame but you're not the victim either. We were as bad as each other, there's no denying that. But despite all the bad, there was so so much good.
I miss the good times and there's nothing I wouldn't give to have one more chance to speak to you. There is so much we left unsaid. Do you deliberately forget to remember that I was your best friend and that it was me who was there.
Like I said I'm amazed that I miss you. I shouldn't but it's when I see that shit that I feel sorry for you and I want to help you. You need to get out of this black hole you're in and go back to being the boy that I knew and trusted with my life.
I should never have walked away.
15.12.10
:D
"25 You're one of my closest friends, and it will take more then one status update for me to entirely express how i feel about you. We've had our ups and downs, but mainly the ups. You picking me up from random places, and getting in trouble from your mummy is the first of many memories that come to mind."
The numbers game on facebook, that's what this is all about but it made me smile and it made me so incredibly proud to call him my friend. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
I can't wait to see you x
The numbers game on facebook, that's what this is all about but it made me smile and it made me so incredibly proud to call him my friend. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
I can't wait to see you x
CBJ.
Once again it's December 15th. It's your birthday, your another year older and once again I can't be there for you. This year sucks more than usual because you're so close by and yet I still can't find you. I want you to know I still love you. I will always love you and I miss you every single day. I hope today is amazing and special and everything you want it to be.
10.12.10
Let sleeping angels lie part 3
09.06.2009
"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."
14.03.2010
"Well I really haven’t progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl
Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too."
So I know i've done a follow up to this blog but I've learnt a bit more since march. I honestly thought that I couldn't be bigger than my bad habits. And yeah, I did change a little bit. I was right though, the real reason I didn't change was because I hadn't wanted too. An addict cannot give up their addiction if they don't want too. If deep down you're not doing something for yourself then it's not going to work out.
But things are different now and I have changed and I'm liking it. It's so nice to be excited and happy again. I like going to sleep with a smile on my face. See the thing with change is everyone says it's not easy but it is. It has been so easy and refreshing. I am so incredibly lucky.
"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."
14.03.2010
"Well I really haven’t progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl
Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too."
So I know i've done a follow up to this blog but I've learnt a bit more since march. I honestly thought that I couldn't be bigger than my bad habits. And yeah, I did change a little bit. I was right though, the real reason I didn't change was because I hadn't wanted too. An addict cannot give up their addiction if they don't want too. If deep down you're not doing something for yourself then it's not going to work out.
But things are different now and I have changed and I'm liking it. It's so nice to be excited and happy again. I like going to sleep with a smile on my face. See the thing with change is everyone says it's not easy but it is. It has been so easy and refreshing. I am so incredibly lucky.
7.12.10
It ends tonight.
I'm finding it hard to be the bigger person right now, and I'm trying as hard as I can.
If I tell you something, something that I haven't told other people, If I'm having a conversation with you and you only I do not expect you to go run your fucking mouth to everyone else. You are exactly like those girls that you bitch to me about. You are worse than them because at least I know they don't like me and they aren't fake.
I have done nothing but be here for you, despite EVERYTHING I was here. I gave you advice, I listened to you when you needed to vent. I've weathered all of your moods and this, this is how you choose to repay me.
This is is the reason that I don't keep alot of people in my life. Don't fuck with me because if paybacks not enough Karma will be.
If I tell you something, something that I haven't told other people, If I'm having a conversation with you and you only I do not expect you to go run your fucking mouth to everyone else. You are exactly like those girls that you bitch to me about. You are worse than them because at least I know they don't like me and they aren't fake.
I have done nothing but be here for you, despite EVERYTHING I was here. I gave you advice, I listened to you when you needed to vent. I've weathered all of your moods and this, this is how you choose to repay me.
This is is the reason that I don't keep alot of people in my life. Don't fuck with me because if paybacks not enough Karma will be.
3.12.10
___ ___ goose.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. It does not work like that regardless of what you think. If our roles were reversed you would see how hard you're making things for me right now. It's not fair and you are almost acting a bit like vegemite. Let me have this one, let me enjoy this journey and see where it goes. Stop making it hard for me to be happy.
I know you never seen this coming, let's be honest neither did I. You know me better than anyone else, you know what I'm like, the people in my life and the patterns I fall in to. My god you know the most random little things about me that no-one else would. This isn't about you though, it's about me. I know it sucks for you but seriously?
I want to make everything better for you, I don because I know things sort of suck right now but you eed to stop taking it out on me and you need to stop trying to get me to do the wrong thing. Please stop trying to break me because if you succeed I'm only going to resent you.
I know you never seen this coming, let's be honest neither did I. You know me better than anyone else, you know what I'm like, the people in my life and the patterns I fall in to. My god you know the most random little things about me that no-one else would. This isn't about you though, it's about me. I know it sucks for you but seriously?
I want to make everything better for you, I don because I know things sort of suck right now but you eed to stop taking it out on me and you need to stop trying to get me to do the wrong thing. Please stop trying to break me because if you succeed I'm only going to resent you.
2.12.10
yesterday.
Yesterday I had the most inspiring day. I went to melbourne for a planning forum with Squash Vic. Me being me I just said yes to going because I was asked, I had no idea what I was doing or what it was really about. I read up on it on the car ride and was a little daunted by it all to start with...
Without going into detail yesterday was hugely successful. But the best part was being inspired and learning so much. I even learnt a few things about myself. I have a new confidence and a growing interest in Event management/developement. My only problem is I now have a huge choice to make.
Without going into detail yesterday was hugely successful. But the best part was being inspired and learning so much. I even learnt a few things about myself. I have a new confidence and a growing interest in Event management/developement. My only problem is I now have a huge choice to make.
29.11.10
wow.
"i don't have any people on there who negatively effect my life."
wow. For nearly 4 years I've been there. Through the good and the bad. I know we were or are toxic for one another. We are, it's a fact. tumultuous. Thats the word that describes us best but I never once thought I was "negatively effecting your life" It's funny you say that it really is because everyone knows I changed because of you. I lost so many people but I always said that I didn't need them if I had you because you were pretty much number 1.
In the last four years it's been impossible for me to date and alot of the time I found it hard to be happy. You made my life difficult at times and you know it. I hated you somedays. You hurt me physically and mentally. You broke me and then you built me up and I was never the same. I do not resent you. I miss you.
When we started off, I was on eggshells. The stupid games, those ridiculous ongs, the fights, the sleepless nights, the constant texts. You drove me insane and I still stuck around. I gave you advice, I listened to your problems, I was there when all the others walked away. I gave everything you needed aswell as everything you wanted from me.
I just don't see how I ever negatively effect your life.
wow. For nearly 4 years I've been there. Through the good and the bad. I know we were or are toxic for one another. We are, it's a fact. tumultuous. Thats the word that describes us best but I never once thought I was "negatively effecting your life" It's funny you say that it really is because everyone knows I changed because of you. I lost so many people but I always said that I didn't need them if I had you because you were pretty much number 1.
In the last four years it's been impossible for me to date and alot of the time I found it hard to be happy. You made my life difficult at times and you know it. I hated you somedays. You hurt me physically and mentally. You broke me and then you built me up and I was never the same. I do not resent you. I miss you.
When we started off, I was on eggshells. The stupid games, those ridiculous ongs, the fights, the sleepless nights, the constant texts. You drove me insane and I still stuck around. I gave you advice, I listened to your problems, I was there when all the others walked away. I gave everything you needed aswell as everything you wanted from me.
I just don't see how I ever negatively effect your life.
the week ahead
Every now and then I know I have a hectic week ahead so usually on a monday morning I lay in bed and mentally plan the full weekend ahead. I'm not sure why I even bother though as my plans have already changed heaps. Argh it's going to be one intense week.
Today doesn't count because I'm babysitting for the rest of the afternoon and it's almost over. But the rest of the week is going to be mental so if you are trying to organise things with me (yes chloe that means you) I am so so sorry if it seems like I don't have time for you. I'll definately try my hardest to seem everyone :)
Today doesn't count because I'm babysitting for the rest of the afternoon and it's almost over. But the rest of the week is going to be mental so if you are trying to organise things with me (yes chloe that means you) I am so so sorry if it seems like I don't have time for you. I'll definately try my hardest to seem everyone :)
who I am hates who I've been.
So last night I went on a downloading spree and ended up downloading some really random songs. One of which was by Relient K. I used to listen to this song alot probably 2 maybe 3 years ago now and somehow it ended up being shunted and it was only last night that I re-found it. It's the title of this song that really got me thinking. who I am hates who I've been.
I'm a firm believer in our past makes us who we are, I am not ashamed of who I was but I'm not always proud either.
I'm a firm believer in our past makes us who we are, I am not ashamed of who I was but I'm not always proud either.
28.11.10
promise.
I'm trying so hard, I really am and I don't want you to think for a second that I'm forgetting about you because that isn't the case. I know you're not used to me taking off the way I have been lately and I know some nights you try and try and wait up for me. I'm not doing this on purpose I promise. It's all exciting and intoxicating and I know its taking a toll on you and everyone else for that matter. I will try so much harder from now I promise you.
It's hard trying to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I forget that my actions don't just affect me the affect those around me too. Change is always hard to accept, for me it was easy but I never stopped to think about me changing my habits and patterns would effect those around me. I guess I now feel a bit selfish. I have to try alot harder.
It's hard trying to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I forget that my actions don't just affect me the affect those around me too. Change is always hard to accept, for me it was easy but I never stopped to think about me changing my habits and patterns would effect those around me. I guess I now feel a bit selfish. I have to try alot harder.
27.11.10
23.11.10
twenty oh nine. prt 2 aka twenty ten.
31.12.09
twenty oh nine.
This year Sucked.
I lost all passion for school, for sport, for work basically for life.
I became angry and nasty.
I fell into old patterns.
My best friend moved away.
All in All this year sucked and I'm pretty sure 2010 will be the same.
So needless to say I didn't have a great 2009, but although some shit things have happened so far this year I am so thankful for this year, for the experiences, the memories and the lessons.
I quit my job because I hated it and found one I loved
I moved away and that didnt work out well but it made me appreciate Albury more.
I realised that my "old patterns" are who I am. I enjoy my life and the lifestyle I lead even if others don't.
I lost a few friends this year but people come in and out of your life for a reason and I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with any of them. It's taught me to be apprciative of the people around me and what little time I have with them.
So 2010 wasn't always great but I enjoyed it alot more and I'd like to think I grew up a lot more over the course of the year.
twenty oh nine.
This year Sucked.
I lost all passion for school, for sport, for work basically for life.
I became angry and nasty.
I fell into old patterns.
My best friend moved away.
All in All this year sucked and I'm pretty sure 2010 will be the same.
So needless to say I didn't have a great 2009, but although some shit things have happened so far this year I am so thankful for this year, for the experiences, the memories and the lessons.
I quit my job because I hated it and found one I loved
I moved away and that didnt work out well but it made me appreciate Albury more.
I realised that my "old patterns" are who I am. I enjoy my life and the lifestyle I lead even if others don't.
I lost a few friends this year but people come in and out of your life for a reason and I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with any of them. It's taught me to be apprciative of the people around me and what little time I have with them.
So 2010 wasn't always great but I enjoyed it alot more and I'd like to think I grew up a lot more over the course of the year.
22.11.10
strength
I've had a shit two weeks. When it rains it always pours. I was so angry and upset and I honestly felt like giving up, just curling up in bed and not functioning for a few days but you know what I just had the best weekend ever. No highs without Lows :)
It's kind of a comforting thing, it doesn't matter how much I want to give up when I get down, because I know there is always something to look forward to.
Everyone has days like that, where they have honest had enough and just want to give up. Never ever give up! Once you start fighting you'll be amazed at the strength you have. You don't know how strong you can be until you have to be. I admire that strength in people I truly do.
It's kind of a comforting thing, it doesn't matter how much I want to give up when I get down, because I know there is always something to look forward to.
Everyone has days like that, where they have honest had enough and just want to give up. Never ever give up! Once you start fighting you'll be amazed at the strength you have. You don't know how strong you can be until you have to be. I admire that strength in people I truly do.
15.11.10
realisations.
I think you learn alot about yourself when someone who hasn't been a round for a long period of time comes back into your life. I didn't think I'd changed much at all over the year but it's apparent I have. I was so worried about her being different that I didn't even think that maybe it was me. It was a bit of a shock really, to sit there and realise.. Hey I have changed.. alot and I don't think we fit together anymore. It's almost like there's no room for you in my life now.
I never ever thought of it like that. I think though that I like the fact that I've grown and changed. This year has been an absolute rollercoaster for me and although there have been times that sucked, I have some great memories too. I like taking each day as it comes and I like living and feeling every single moment.
Eventually, there may be a place for you in my life once again, but right now I can't see where abouts you're going to fit. I could put in a huge effort, re-arrange everything and give you back pride of place but I don't think I will. Not just yet
I never ever thought of it like that. I think though that I like the fact that I've grown and changed. This year has been an absolute rollercoaster for me and although there have been times that sucked, I have some great memories too. I like taking each day as it comes and I like living and feeling every single moment.
Eventually, there may be a place for you in my life once again, but right now I can't see where abouts you're going to fit. I could put in a huge effort, re-arrange everything and give you back pride of place but I don't think I will. Not just yet
13.11.10
Just Friends... prt2
February 2, 2008 - Saturday
Can we go from what we had to "Just Freinds"?
Are we going to get over the tension??
The awkwardness??
The past??
Do we ever get over it?
Really?
Interestingly enough the answer to this, in this situation was no. Sure we became great friends but never just friends.. The past was always there, the sexual tension was always there. But it made us. We had a crazy friendship that pushed boundries and what not. I wouldn't trade it for the world :)
Can we go from what we had to "Just Freinds"?
Are we going to get over the tension??
The awkwardness??
The past??
Do we ever get over it?
Really?
Interestingly enough the answer to this, in this situation was no. Sure we became great friends but never just friends.. The past was always there, the sexual tension was always there. But it made us. We had a crazy friendship that pushed boundries and what not. I wouldn't trade it for the world :)
Tonights the night the world begins again. prt2
June 3, 2008 - Tuesday
"People effect me in different ways, but I have noticed something recently. It's like life is a movie stuck on replay. It's not identical, but eerily similar each time around. When life crumbles at my feet each time i rebuild, either new places or new faces, but the story always plays out pretty much the same. Then suddenly Life crumbles away again."
It's funny because in a way I still believe this. Life seems to go in a pattern, it's the same story just new faces and places. It's kind of comforting in a way because although there is change there is still a little bit of consistancey. I remember exactly why I wrote this and where I was when I had this thought way back in 2008.
Most people if they had a problem would have someone they turned to straight away, back then I remember looking through my phone going who do I call? Who is there? Life literally crmbled at my feet and I didn't even notice.
I think it's important to rebuild, you can't grow as a person without rebuilding from time to time.
"People effect me in different ways, but I have noticed something recently. It's like life is a movie stuck on replay. It's not identical, but eerily similar each time around. When life crumbles at my feet each time i rebuild, either new places or new faces, but the story always plays out pretty much the same. Then suddenly Life crumbles away again."
It's funny because in a way I still believe this. Life seems to go in a pattern, it's the same story just new faces and places. It's kind of comforting in a way because although there is change there is still a little bit of consistancey. I remember exactly why I wrote this and where I was when I had this thought way back in 2008.
Most people if they had a problem would have someone they turned to straight away, back then I remember looking through my phone going who do I call? Who is there? Life literally crmbled at my feet and I didn't even notice.
I think it's important to rebuild, you can't grow as a person without rebuilding from time to time.
9.11.10
Incredible. pt2
May 19, 2009 - Tuesday
Incredible.
I think it's incredibly important to say just how thankful I am right at this present time. Sure, we all make mistakes, it's just apart of life, but to have the chance to make them right is amazing. I have not felt this way in a very very long time. Suddenly my world seems right. I don't want to take this for granted because I know too well that it could easily end at any given time.
I feel so safe, so motivated and so lucky right now. Here's my second chance. Maybe it will be the same, maybe it will be different, but either way for now life is great, truly great =]
I got my second chance, and although it didn't work out, and although I got hurt again I wouldn't trade that short, precious time for anything in the world. I still love my life and I'm thankful that I get to live it. It's not perfect but It's not terrible either :)
Incredible.
I think it's incredibly important to say just how thankful I am right at this present time. Sure, we all make mistakes, it's just apart of life, but to have the chance to make them right is amazing. I have not felt this way in a very very long time. Suddenly my world seems right. I don't want to take this for granted because I know too well that it could easily end at any given time.
I feel so safe, so motivated and so lucky right now. Here's my second chance. Maybe it will be the same, maybe it will be different, but either way for now life is great, truly great =]
I got my second chance, and although it didn't work out, and although I got hurt again I wouldn't trade that short, precious time for anything in the world. I still love my life and I'm thankful that I get to live it. It's not perfect but It's not terrible either :)
Here it is. all in black and white. prt2
June 11, 2009 - Thursday
Here it is. all in black and white.
Hate is a very strong word.
Do you HATE me?
Or do you miss me?
Something tells me its the latter, I bet your spewing that I waltzed back onto the scene... Isn't it killing you that he let me back into his world? I bet your totally mad that its him and not you..
What have you got to say to me? It's been three whole years.. I'm sure that enough time to think. Did you think I'd always stay? That I would be there forever? You taught me that forever doesn't exsist.
I love how you've supposedly forgotten me, gotten over me.. but do you remember that it was me? It was always me.. I was there when it started.. for girlfriend number and girlfriend number 2.. I just hope you don't forget that we we're inseperable. Best of friends, best of enemies. I miss you.
I'm never going to forget certain people. Even though majority of these people are no longer a part of my life. I might not be the greatest person, but to these people I was at one point in time. I miss those days alot. I miss those people alot.
I wrote this on my myspace blog back in June 2009. It's kinda funny because as much as I was gloating I was still annoyed that I was only able to walk back in to one persons life and not two. Since then I've walked back out of this persons life. Thats life unfortunately.. interestingly enough though he was in my dream last night and it was amazing. Usually I like to be here in reality but last night was one of the few times I could have stayed in dream land.
Hate is a strong word, I firmly believe that it is the equal opposite to love. Apparently I am still hated, but only because I was loved. I guess I take comfort in that.
I still miss those people, I still remember them all. I will not forget those who made me who I am, who shared the highs and the lows with me.
Here it is. all in black and white.
Hate is a very strong word.
Do you HATE me?
Or do you miss me?
Something tells me its the latter, I bet your spewing that I waltzed back onto the scene... Isn't it killing you that he let me back into his world? I bet your totally mad that its him and not you..
What have you got to say to me? It's been three whole years.. I'm sure that enough time to think. Did you think I'd always stay? That I would be there forever? You taught me that forever doesn't exsist.
I love how you've supposedly forgotten me, gotten over me.. but do you remember that it was me? It was always me.. I was there when it started.. for girlfriend number and girlfriend number 2.. I just hope you don't forget that we we're inseperable. Best of friends, best of enemies. I miss you.
I'm never going to forget certain people. Even though majority of these people are no longer a part of my life. I might not be the greatest person, but to these people I was at one point in time. I miss those days alot. I miss those people alot.
I wrote this on my myspace blog back in June 2009. It's kinda funny because as much as I was gloating I was still annoyed that I was only able to walk back in to one persons life and not two. Since then I've walked back out of this persons life. Thats life unfortunately.. interestingly enough though he was in my dream last night and it was amazing. Usually I like to be here in reality but last night was one of the few times I could have stayed in dream land.
Hate is a strong word, I firmly believe that it is the equal opposite to love. Apparently I am still hated, but only because I was loved. I guess I take comfort in that.
I still miss those people, I still remember them all. I will not forget those who made me who I am, who shared the highs and the lows with me.
7.11.10
2.11.10
negativity.
Everyone around me seems to be giving off a negative vibe lately. I'm sick of it, I really am. Yes, bad things happen, unfortunately terrible things happen too but why is everyone so down lately?! It's frustrating.. have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is completely down regardless of your best efforts to cheer them up?
The worst part is I like to help. I get sucked in to every situation because I'm the girl who wants to save the world. Now, I wish I knew the right words, the exact words that would make everything better, but I don't. All I know is that yes, Life throws you lemons, but I am a firm believer in high being the eqal opposite to low, just like love/hate, night/day, dark/light etc. This means that you can't experience the highs without the lows and in time things will come good again.
But please people I am begging you, lighten up! Life is so incredibly short and negativity is probably shaving years off your life. I get that we all feel sad at times, we get angry and upset and frustrated, but stop looking for the negative. You are entitled to feel all those emotions, but look for the positives... dwelling on the negatives is just making it so much worse.
The worst part is I like to help. I get sucked in to every situation because I'm the girl who wants to save the world. Now, I wish I knew the right words, the exact words that would make everything better, but I don't. All I know is that yes, Life throws you lemons, but I am a firm believer in high being the eqal opposite to low, just like love/hate, night/day, dark/light etc. This means that you can't experience the highs without the lows and in time things will come good again.
But please people I am begging you, lighten up! Life is so incredibly short and negativity is probably shaving years off your life. I get that we all feel sad at times, we get angry and upset and frustrated, but stop looking for the negative. You are entitled to feel all those emotions, but look for the positives... dwelling on the negatives is just making it so much worse.
31.10.10
:(
you know I hate sharing my bed, you know I don't sleep very well when there is someone else in my bed.. and last night when I couldn't sleep I realised I miss having you in my bed.
27.10.10
21.10.10
not for a second.
Don't be sad that it's over. Be thankful for the precious time you had together, smile at the memories. All too quickly things come to an end. If you dwell on the past, on the mistakes and on the time you'll never move forward. Life is short and nothing last forever. Just think.. imagine if you'd never got to experience the highs, the laughs, the memories, the photos, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years.
I'll do it all again, there will be someone else and our paths will continue to go in opposite directions. Maybe, just maybe our paths might cross again, don't cling to hope, don't dwell on the past. LIVE.
It's over, It's sad but eventually there will be more good times, more memories to create... with someone else. Life keeps going, it does and look at this as a challenge or an opportunity or both. Be positive and be thankful. Never take anything for granted... appreciate the little moments.
You can't experience the highs without the lows. I would never ever want to play it safe. For things to go in a straight line. I want to see the dips and the spikes.
I've lost or left alot of people in my life, but at the end of the day I think I am one of the luckiest people alive. To this day I still love every single one of those people and I wouldn't change a thing. The good times outweigh the hurt and the loss.
This is life. Start living it
I'll do it all again, there will be someone else and our paths will continue to go in opposite directions. Maybe, just maybe our paths might cross again, don't cling to hope, don't dwell on the past. LIVE.
It's over, It's sad but eventually there will be more good times, more memories to create... with someone else. Life keeps going, it does and look at this as a challenge or an opportunity or both. Be positive and be thankful. Never take anything for granted... appreciate the little moments.
You can't experience the highs without the lows. I would never ever want to play it safe. For things to go in a straight line. I want to see the dips and the spikes.
I've lost or left alot of people in my life, but at the end of the day I think I am one of the luckiest people alive. To this day I still love every single one of those people and I wouldn't change a thing. The good times outweigh the hurt and the loss.
This is life. Start living it
20.10.10
N'oublions jamais le bon vieux temps.
So one day I woke up and decided to walk away. I decided to turn my back, leave and not look back. The next day I woke up and went what the hell have I just done?
Removed. Deleted. Unfollowed.
I would like someone to explain why someone does this... How someone can just suddenly walk away from their best friend, from their rock? I think I'm still coming to terms with what I've done. I don't regret it, I just can't believe I did it.
For everyone who knows me, I mean really knows me, you know exactly the kind of relationship we had. The constant ups and downs. I think actually I believe that we were so much a part of one another that I stopped being my own person. It's scary standing here now. I can count my friends on one hand.. that's not a bad thing, I just can't remember the last time I was able to say that.
There was no fight, no harsh words, no realisations, no painful truths. Just a feeling.
I was so wrapped up in your world. Our world. That at some point I lost myself. I stopped thinking for myself to an extent. Now I'm a little lost.
So to everyone still in my life, everyone still around please bare with me whilst I put myself together again and find my own two feet to stand on.
Removed. Deleted. Unfollowed.
I would like someone to explain why someone does this... How someone can just suddenly walk away from their best friend, from their rock? I think I'm still coming to terms with what I've done. I don't regret it, I just can't believe I did it.
For everyone who knows me, I mean really knows me, you know exactly the kind of relationship we had. The constant ups and downs. I think actually I believe that we were so much a part of one another that I stopped being my own person. It's scary standing here now. I can count my friends on one hand.. that's not a bad thing, I just can't remember the last time I was able to say that.
There was no fight, no harsh words, no realisations, no painful truths. Just a feeling.
I was so wrapped up in your world. Our world. That at some point I lost myself. I stopped thinking for myself to an extent. Now I'm a little lost.
So to everyone still in my life, everyone still around please bare with me whilst I put myself together again and find my own two feet to stand on.
18.10.10
4 words, 10 letters and a profound truth.
It's funny how you know me so well.
"can you do it?" 4 words, 10 letters and a bucket load of truth. Every now and then someone throws me a question that I wasn' expecting, That I have to sit and think about. The answer to this one is No. I don't think I can do it. It's so incredibly difficult to walk away.. even harder than being able stay. I wonder how I got to this point, where you are so much a part of my life and a part of me that I can't let go, that I can't walk away. You are toxic, You hurt me yet you're still here. He told me to walk away fom you and I should have listened to him. But I didn't and now I don't know if I can. You're like my addiction. You are my sanity and occasionally my insanity too. At the end of the day what scares me most is that I don't love you. I can see you for you and I can see what you do to me and yet I still can't let go. I don't know if I should even try.
Maybe it's fear... fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of losing... I can't believe that I'm back in this situation. I can't believe you wouldn't fight to keep me here. We're so different now, yet we're still us. And it's that us that needs to go.
I never thought I'd be the one who wanted to walk. I always thought it would be you. And if it wasn't you then we'd be in each others lives for ever. Now I sit here trying to decide. Does the positive out-weigh the negative? Is it time to move on? Can I do it?
"can you do it?" 4 words, 10 letters and a bucket load of truth. Every now and then someone throws me a question that I wasn' expecting, That I have to sit and think about. The answer to this one is No. I don't think I can do it. It's so incredibly difficult to walk away.. even harder than being able stay. I wonder how I got to this point, where you are so much a part of my life and a part of me that I can't let go, that I can't walk away. You are toxic, You hurt me yet you're still here. He told me to walk away fom you and I should have listened to him. But I didn't and now I don't know if I can. You're like my addiction. You are my sanity and occasionally my insanity too. At the end of the day what scares me most is that I don't love you. I can see you for you and I can see what you do to me and yet I still can't let go. I don't know if I should even try.
Maybe it's fear... fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of losing... I can't believe that I'm back in this situation. I can't believe you wouldn't fight to keep me here. We're so different now, yet we're still us. And it's that us that needs to go.
I never thought I'd be the one who wanted to walk. I always thought it would be you. And if it wasn't you then we'd be in each others lives for ever. Now I sit here trying to decide. Does the positive out-weigh the negative? Is it time to move on? Can I do it?
28.9.10
cue and aye.
Have you ever kissed someone who’s name started with M?:
surely have.
Have you held hands with anybody in the last 4 days?:
I did indeed
If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?:
my nose probably
Honestly, who are you Iming?:
no-one, I just finished talking to my wonderful ex-boyfriend who is on the trip of a life time
Do you cross your legs when you sit?:
yes. they are crossed right now
Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back?:
sure.
How many times have you cried in a person’s arms?:
more than a few i guess
Do you have condoms in your room?:
Nope, they are all in my handbag
Do you still talk to the person you liked 7 months ago?:
every now and then. He has become somewhat of an asshole now
Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 year younger?:
older please.
When was the last time you felt like throwing up?:
when i threw up the other night
Think back to this time last year, were you happy?:
I was about to start my hsc, loved my job and had an amazing group of friends so yes indeed I was happy.
If you were given a pregnancy test, would it be negative?:
yes.
Four months ago, can you remember who you liked, who was it?:
4 months ago I didn't like anyone.
Smoking cigerettes, it’s a bad habit you know?:
I start my day off with one lousy cigarette.. so kill me
love. what are your thoughts?:
there are no thought just feelings.
would you ever get a tattoo?:
surely would.
are you watching a film?:
no. I'm not big on movies
honestly, who is your bestest friend?:
he is.
first 4 things you look at when you look up?:
muffins my sister made, semi precious weapons album, camera and the calculator
have you ever had sex in public?:
many a time.
surely have.
Have you held hands with anybody in the last 4 days?:
I did indeed
If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?:
my nose probably
Honestly, who are you Iming?:
no-one, I just finished talking to my wonderful ex-boyfriend who is on the trip of a life time
Do you cross your legs when you sit?:
yes. they are crossed right now
Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back?:
sure.
How many times have you cried in a person’s arms?:
more than a few i guess
Do you have condoms in your room?:
Nope, they are all in my handbag
Do you still talk to the person you liked 7 months ago?:
every now and then. He has become somewhat of an asshole now
Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 year younger?:
older please.
When was the last time you felt like throwing up?:
when i threw up the other night
Think back to this time last year, were you happy?:
I was about to start my hsc, loved my job and had an amazing group of friends so yes indeed I was happy.
If you were given a pregnancy test, would it be negative?:
yes.
Four months ago, can you remember who you liked, who was it?:
4 months ago I didn't like anyone.
Smoking cigerettes, it’s a bad habit you know?:
I start my day off with one lousy cigarette.. so kill me
love. what are your thoughts?:
there are no thought just feelings.
would you ever get a tattoo?:
surely would.
are you watching a film?:
no. I'm not big on movies
honestly, who is your bestest friend?:
he is.
first 4 things you look at when you look up?:
muffins my sister made, semi precious weapons album, camera and the calculator
have you ever had sex in public?:
many a time.
21.9.10
rant.
It's easy for you to say that he isn't worth it. You're selfish, You have her and she's beautiful and she makes you happy so why? Why did you have to go and ruin my relationship? I don't nderstand I truly don't... I have stood by you for 4 years, I have stood by you through every failed relationship, I've been there through all the drama, through all the tantrums and all the fights. So just explain to me why you couldn't be happy for me? Why couldn't you stand by me for once? You have A wonderful girlfriend and It makes me angry that you couldn't see how happy he made me. I know the other night was a joke and I know that nothing happened between you and me but he doesn't. He is sick of you being there. There shouldn't be a third person in the relationship but somehow you and I are like a package deal. There can't be one without the other. I don' want to lose you but I want my chance to be happy. It was finally my turn and your interference, your constant interference drove him into the arms of her. She is my friend! For god sake, I know you sit there and say he isn't worth it but thats my choice to make... Well it was up until you took it away from me. Just for once in your life stop being so selfish.
12.9.10
vous serez la mort de moi
You make me so incredibly angry. You make me hate you. There is a reason I'm the only one left. You need to see it's not them, It's you. I am about to walk away and I honestly don't think I'll ever walk back. I nhope she doesn't break your heart, I wish you all the best and I hope you continue to prosper in your job. But I can't be around anymore. I'm sick and believe it or not you are making me sick. We have always had a volitile relationship but now I sit here and go wow this is ridiculous. I'm sick of you belittling me, I'm sik of you physically hurting me and emotionally too, But mainly I'm sick of the mind games, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of you always commenting on my life, my relationship... not that you could call it that thanks in large part to you. I think you take me for granted. I could stay, I could watch her come then go and I could pick up the pieces but I don't think I will, not this time. I can't do this anymore. I love you, I do but not enough for you to do this to me. Not enough for you to destroy me and everything I am. So I guess this is goodbye. A sad goodbye, but one long overdue. After everything I've done for you, everyhting I've given up for you, everything I've gone through for you I bet you don't even care. Well eventually your going to need me, you're going to regret letting me walk away. But until then hasta luego.
N'oublions jamais le bon vieux temps
N'oublions jamais le bon vieux temps
21.8.10
She's pretty. I know this.
You want a girlfriend. I know this.
She's wholesome. I know this.
You want a good girl. I know this.
She's crazy, she's unpredictable. she smokes. I know this.
She's alot like me. I know this.
She's my friend. You know this.
It's kinda funny, the double standards I mean. I'm not allowed near your friends. I'm not allowed to be alone with them or have their numbers because you know me, you know what I'm like. But then you go and chase a friend of mine. A girl who tried to be just like me, to live my life... who has gone after more than one guy that I've been with. You ask me everytime I see you if I've slept with someone else, If I've kissed a random at the pub... And yet you go after MY FRIEND.
Now I'm glad I lied. Every single time you asked me directly if i'd been with anyone else I looked you in the eye and I said No. Over and over and over I said no. I'd hate to see what would of happened if I'd been truthful.
You want a girlfriend. I know this.
She's wholesome. I know this.
You want a good girl. I know this.
She's crazy, she's unpredictable. she smokes. I know this.
She's alot like me. I know this.
She's my friend. You know this.
It's kinda funny, the double standards I mean. I'm not allowed near your friends. I'm not allowed to be alone with them or have their numbers because you know me, you know what I'm like. But then you go and chase a friend of mine. A girl who tried to be just like me, to live my life... who has gone after more than one guy that I've been with. You ask me everytime I see you if I've slept with someone else, If I've kissed a random at the pub... And yet you go after MY FRIEND.
Now I'm glad I lied. Every single time you asked me directly if i'd been with anyone else I looked you in the eye and I said No. Over and over and over I said no. I'd hate to see what would of happened if I'd been truthful.
20.8.10
17.8.10
Duck.
When I was going through a rough patch way back when... I used to write poems to convey my thoughts and feelings. So recently in this time of confusion I've done the same thing both of these are for you Duck. I'm sorry I truly am. But such is life baby.
Duck
Why do you even try?
When all I do is lie...
You ask and you ask
Can't you see through my mask?
Yes. He was in my bed last night
And Yes. I'm lying to avoid another fight
But you're so quick to believe,
And too easy to decieve
A friend with visiting rights
That's what I was those first few nights
Now your jealousy is oh so clear
Are you telling me no-one else can visit here?
Baby you need to decide
Or I may injure your pride
With my lust and my greed
Just tell me I'm the one you need.
Duck
Why do you even try?
When all I do is lie...
You ask and you ask
Can't you see through my mask?
Yes. He was in my bed last night
And Yes. I'm lying to avoid another fight
But you're so quick to believe,
And too easy to decieve
A friend with visiting rights
That's what I was those first few nights
Now your jealousy is oh so clear
Are you telling me no-one else can visit here?
Baby you need to decide
Or I may injure your pride
With my lust and my greed
Just tell me I'm the one you need.
12.8.10
duck.
So I spent weeks convincing myself we we're over. That I'd lost my friend as well as everything else. Then you look at me in that way. And you touch me and my skin egnites. Then you kiss me like that. Now I don't know what to think. If you say to me. Stay in Albury. Don't go home. I will.
3.8.10
1.8.10
fears.
I'm afraid of knives. I'm afraid of the ocean and I'm afraid of emu's.
Everyone is afraid of something.
Everyone is afraid of something.
30.7.10
My Life.
I'm going to share a bit about my life and where I'm at right now.
About 3 months ago I got sick of my job. I hated it and it was making me sick. To the point where I had to go to get scans etc. So on a whim I applied for a MANAGERS position... Like what the hell was I thinking.. anyways by some miracle I got the job. So now I have moved out of home. I have moved towns and I have taken on ALOT of responsibility. It's kind of crazy to thinka bout it really.
I never ever in a million years thought I would be living away from Albury. Albury is home. But here I am in Griffith.
I'm living with an amazing friend. I would go as far as to ay my best friend. It's funny because when I first told people I was moving in with Lui evryone and I mean everyone had an opinion! True, we went through a rough patch where we fought all the time. Every couple of days we would stop speaking. It was volatile. But things have been fabulous. Yes we have our moments but for the most part we're doing really well.
As for my job, well.. It's been incredibly stressful for the last few weeks. It's life. As much as I complain about it, I love it. I thrive on the stress. I have made amazing friends through my store too. I'm 18 years old and I'm a store manager. How intense is that? I'm dealing with staff and customers and products. I work on average 39ish hours a week. I go in early.. sometimes I stay late. I love my job, It makes me feel good to help people and to find things for people. The discount is pretty good too :P
One downfall of moving away is the relationship I lost because of it. Again this is life and it sucks, It hurt me alot more than I ever thought. But I have to be thankful for the time we had together and for all those moments and memories that I will never ever forget.
xxx
About 3 months ago I got sick of my job. I hated it and it was making me sick. To the point where I had to go to get scans etc. So on a whim I applied for a MANAGERS position... Like what the hell was I thinking.. anyways by some miracle I got the job. So now I have moved out of home. I have moved towns and I have taken on ALOT of responsibility. It's kind of crazy to thinka bout it really.
I never ever in a million years thought I would be living away from Albury. Albury is home. But here I am in Griffith.
I'm living with an amazing friend. I would go as far as to ay my best friend. It's funny because when I first told people I was moving in with Lui evryone and I mean everyone had an opinion! True, we went through a rough patch where we fought all the time. Every couple of days we would stop speaking. It was volatile. But things have been fabulous. Yes we have our moments but for the most part we're doing really well.
As for my job, well.. It's been incredibly stressful for the last few weeks. It's life. As much as I complain about it, I love it. I thrive on the stress. I have made amazing friends through my store too. I'm 18 years old and I'm a store manager. How intense is that? I'm dealing with staff and customers and products. I work on average 39ish hours a week. I go in early.. sometimes I stay late. I love my job, It makes me feel good to help people and to find things for people. The discount is pretty good too :P
One downfall of moving away is the relationship I lost because of it. Again this is life and it sucks, It hurt me alot more than I ever thought. But I have to be thankful for the time we had together and for all those moments and memories that I will never ever forget.
xxx
16.7.10
stay.
Ever get lost in a moment?
I like getting lost in the moment. Even more than getting lost in a memory. It's been a long time since I've been lost in a moment. But the memory of those moments still makes me smile.
Why is it that we are so reluctant to let go? I'm the worst when it comes to letting go.. maybe it's because the one time I did actually let go is the one thing I actually truely regret in life. Maybe it's because you know that once you let go then it's gone, whatever or whoever it was is gone and not coming back.
I've lost my train of thought.
Good.Night.
I like getting lost in the moment. Even more than getting lost in a memory. It's been a long time since I've been lost in a moment. But the memory of those moments still makes me smile.
Why is it that we are so reluctant to let go? I'm the worst when it comes to letting go.. maybe it's because the one time I did actually let go is the one thing I actually truely regret in life. Maybe it's because you know that once you let go then it's gone, whatever or whoever it was is gone and not coming back.
I've lost my train of thought.
Good.Night.
13.7.10
i miss feeling safe.
I would trade everything if I could lay in your arms once again. If you would hold me like you used to. All time would stop and nothing would matter. No one would matter. I miss feeling safe.
7.7.10
rant.
They say home is where the heart is.. but I seem to have lost my heart. Where is home? Is home with the boy who I unknowingy gave my heart too? Is it with the family I left behind for my own selfish ventures? Did I leave it on the side of the road somewhere? Or maybe I threw it up in the park the other night? Where is my heart?
I'm having a rather hard time atthe moment, I probably wouldn't readily admit that to people, not those closest to me anyway. I made an impulse desicion to pick up my life and move 3 hours away. At the time it seemed brilliant, but I'm struggling now. Yes I love my job, but my job is my life right now. That can't be healthy. So I guess my question is why did I do it? Why did I pick up my life and leave? Why do we make rushed choices that effect our lives so greatly?
I suppose there's a boy that's adding to my confusion right about now and I'm once again left wondering about friends with benefits... can it work? or more to the point how long can it last? See I am a strong believer in Friends with benefits, I do really think it can work.. but when does it go from being friends with benefits to more? How do I get out of this grey area between FWB and a relationship? How did I get there in the first place?
I'll tell you how I got there in the first place, Mixed messages. I HATE MIXED MESSAGES. Just be straight with me and I will be stright with you. Simple. Dont talk about wanting a girlfriend after we've just had sex. Don't say here you should probably take this, I'm not sleeping with anyone else... Then say wouldn't it be funny if I dated your sister... Just be straight up with me.
right. there is my little rant for tonight. Any questions?
http://formspring.me/lansdown25
I'm having a rather hard time atthe moment, I probably wouldn't readily admit that to people, not those closest to me anyway. I made an impulse desicion to pick up my life and move 3 hours away. At the time it seemed brilliant, but I'm struggling now. Yes I love my job, but my job is my life right now. That can't be healthy. So I guess my question is why did I do it? Why did I pick up my life and leave? Why do we make rushed choices that effect our lives so greatly?
I suppose there's a boy that's adding to my confusion right about now and I'm once again left wondering about friends with benefits... can it work? or more to the point how long can it last? See I am a strong believer in Friends with benefits, I do really think it can work.. but when does it go from being friends with benefits to more? How do I get out of this grey area between FWB and a relationship? How did I get there in the first place?
I'll tell you how I got there in the first place, Mixed messages. I HATE MIXED MESSAGES. Just be straight with me and I will be stright with you. Simple. Dont talk about wanting a girlfriend after we've just had sex. Don't say here you should probably take this, I'm not sleeping with anyone else... Then say wouldn't it be funny if I dated your sister... Just be straight up with me.
right. there is my little rant for tonight. Any questions?
http://formspring.me/lansdown25
28.6.10
It's amazing how quickly this year has gone already...
tomorrow marks 6 months since I started having sex with my current im not sure what you call him... but either way tomorrow it's six months since we first had sex. And we have managed to have sex in quite a variety of places.
Happy 6 months kiddo <3
tomorrow marks 6 months since I started having sex with my current im not sure what you call him... but either way tomorrow it's six months since we first had sex. And we have managed to have sex in quite a variety of places.
Happy 6 months kiddo <3
26.5.10
impulse.
I picked up my life and moved away. I left behind everyone and everything. And I am loving every second of it. For the first time in my life I don't regret doing something like this. But of course life isn't fair. Because now I spend every single day worrying about when it will end. I should have thought more about it, but the truth of the matter is if I had thought it through I would have talked myself out of it. Now I am jhust worried that I'm going to have no choice but to go home. I know I am selfish bt I just wish that for once I could enjoy this change. My housemate doesn't like his job, it's hard to watch him come home each day and be so angry, if he leaves I don't think I could afford to stay here. So this is me being selfish and wishing he would tough it out for me. Because I am so happy. Who knows maybe I will hate my job and want to come home, if that's the case then we could both go but I don't want to do this on my own.
Have you ever done something as impulsive as this? Why is it we are driven by impulses and is impulse really a bad thing? Sure you can impulse spend and regret it later on, but what if we made all our big life choices on an impulse and didnt think things through... take that risk. For me it has paid off, for other it might not but from now on I know that I am not going to think as much because have you ever noticed that once you start thinking you can't stop? It's called over-analysing a situation. And it's bad for you.
If everyone stopped thinking, and started listeneing to themselves, to there deepest darkest desires you may find that people would be much happier. Don't think. Do.
Have you ever done something as impulsive as this? Why is it we are driven by impulses and is impulse really a bad thing? Sure you can impulse spend and regret it later on, but what if we made all our big life choices on an impulse and didnt think things through... take that risk. For me it has paid off, for other it might not but from now on I know that I am not going to think as much because have you ever noticed that once you start thinking you can't stop? It's called over-analysing a situation. And it's bad for you.
If everyone stopped thinking, and started listeneing to themselves, to there deepest darkest desires you may find that people would be much happier. Don't think. Do.
24.5.10
mistake.
Did I make a mistake? was this an impluse choice that I am starting to regret? Maybe. Maybe I did it for the wrong reasons... I'm not sure yet. Don't get me wrong I love my job, I like this town but I just feel like something isn't quite right...
19.5.10
hypocrisy
it's kinda funny. You talk about those girls, but you know you're exactly like them. You're so blind that you fail to see whats in front of you and you take me for granted. you're lucky that i enjoy your company as much as I do. And no it's not just the sex. It's the time we spend together, the ease of conversation, the jealousy.. yeah even the jealousy. We are amazing together and when you open your eyes and realise you don't need a pretty girl, a popular girl then mayube you'll finally be happy.
16.5.10
12.5.10
CBJ
I've sat down to write this letter about a thousand and one times now, but my words always seem to fail. I should start off with I miss you and I love you. Not a single day goes by where your not on my mind or in my heart. Your photo is on my mirror, I can't believe your going to be 12 this year. 12. Wow. I have missed so much of your life. Thats my biggest regret is not watching you grow up, not being there to help you. I have no idea whats going on in your life and that kills me it honestly does. I don't even know for sure that ou're still alive. God I hope you are ok. I would trade everything I own and more just to be with you again, to see you, to hold you.
I can't believe she took you away and I can't believe that was just it. I miss you so much that it hurts baby. What hurts more is that Im not crying whilst writing this. I should be, I have this terrible feeling in my stomach. I want to be so violently ill. its not fucking fair. I just hope you havent forgotten me. You were so young it's not fair, I wish I could contact you, I wish I knew you were ok. I wish you were still here.
It truly isn't fair. I do miss you, and I almost didn't survive losing you. Walk back into my life as soon as you can baby.
I should tell you whats going on in my life I guess because so much has changed. I moved out of home, so I guess I feel further away from you than I ever have before. Your room, thats What I miss, your dinosaurs hanging up, I always felt close to you when I was in your room. That will ALWAYS be your room. Always. Regardless of luke (thats dads gfs son). I miss you. God I miss you, your smile, your laugh, your voice. I miss that most. You will always be my brother. Always. I'm going to go now but Please come find me soon.
I can't believe she took you away and I can't believe that was just it. I miss you so much that it hurts baby. What hurts more is that Im not crying whilst writing this. I should be, I have this terrible feeling in my stomach. I want to be so violently ill. its not fucking fair. I just hope you havent forgotten me. You were so young it's not fair, I wish I could contact you, I wish I knew you were ok. I wish you were still here.
It truly isn't fair. I do miss you, and I almost didn't survive losing you. Walk back into my life as soon as you can baby.
I should tell you whats going on in my life I guess because so much has changed. I moved out of home, so I guess I feel further away from you than I ever have before. Your room, thats What I miss, your dinosaurs hanging up, I always felt close to you when I was in your room. That will ALWAYS be your room. Always. Regardless of luke (thats dads gfs son). I miss you. God I miss you, your smile, your laugh, your voice. I miss that most. You will always be my brother. Always. I'm going to go now but Please come find me soon.
11.5.10
DAF.
it's funny. Sometimes it takes us awhile to realise things... to see things that are right there infront of us. If you'd said no, don't go. I wouldn't have. And it was only the other night that I realised that. It was too late, but if we'd seen each other in that week maybe I wouldnt have gone. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's the truth. I am going to miss you, more than I thought I would.
8.5.10
15.4.10
dreamer.
Dreams. They scare me. Alot.
To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix" or from an escape from reality. You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?
Its kinda funny just how true the above statement is. It scares me. It scares me alot. My bad habits will be the death of me. I tried to beat them, but too easily I gave up. Its crazy, I have started smoking again. I love the feeling of the nicotine rushing to my brain, making me light headed. Its like nothing in the world matters. It's stupid I know. But I don't know what else to do.
To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix" or from an escape from reality. You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?
Its kinda funny just how true the above statement is. It scares me. It scares me alot. My bad habits will be the death of me. I tried to beat them, but too easily I gave up. Its crazy, I have started smoking again. I love the feeling of the nicotine rushing to my brain, making me light headed. Its like nothing in the world matters. It's stupid I know. But I don't know what else to do.
13.4.10
8.4.10
7.4.10
this weekend
Thursday
Work 6am-4pm
Hanging out with Chris
Maybe see Dylan
Friday
Work 6:30am-4pm
Coffee with Sinead
Movies with my family
Saturday
Work 11:30am-8pm
Sunday
Work 7:30am-3:30pm
Yep, My weekend is going to be awesome FML
Work 6am-4pm
Hanging out with Chris
Maybe see Dylan
Friday
Work 6:30am-4pm
Coffee with Sinead
Movies with my family
Saturday
Work 11:30am-8pm
Sunday
Work 7:30am-3:30pm
Yep, My weekend is going to be awesome FML
6.4.10
3.4.10
How do we hold on?
We stand atop this mess
we call life,
rubble forming undertoe
foundations crumbling
changing all we know.
Everyday we treck onwards
forever trying to reach greater heights,
crawling desperately
clinging mercilessly
to the fading lights.
Like a mirror made of glass
or bottle full of booze
all that we are
all that we know
is strewn near and far.
We are not kings,
we are barely men
we are nothing more
than skeletons
adorning the wreckage upon the shore.
we call life,
rubble forming undertoe
foundations crumbling
changing all we know.
Everyday we treck onwards
forever trying to reach greater heights,
crawling desperately
clinging mercilessly
to the fading lights.
Like a mirror made of glass
or bottle full of booze
all that we are
all that we know
is strewn near and far.
We are not kings,
we are barely men
we are nothing more
than skeletons
adorning the wreckage upon the shore.
1.4.10
meh
Why do we aim to please other people?
And don't say "I don't try and please anyone else" because at some point we all do, or we do something that we know will make someone else happy. So why do we do it? And why is other people's happiness more important than our own?
And don't say "I don't try and please anyone else" because at some point we all do, or we do something that we know will make someone else happy. So why do we do it? And why is other people's happiness more important than our own?
30.3.10
It's not that it's wrong, it just isn't right
And i don't know how to speak the truth
That's going to kill you.
But I can't keep walking forward with you
When all I want to do is run far away
Your skin touches mine
There is no fire, There is no ice
Our lips collide
Like the waves that hit the rocks
On a stormy winters day
In your arms I don't feel safe.
And i don't know how to speak the truth
That's going to kill you.
But I can't keep walking forward with you
When all I want to do is run far away
Your skin touches mine
There is no fire, There is no ice
Our lips collide
Like the waves that hit the rocks
On a stormy winters day
In your arms I don't feel safe.
28.3.10
16.3.10
The cat in the hat
I just found an old mix cd of mine. God how times have changed. Its kinda funny to go back and listen to the music you were into a few years ago, it shows you just how much you've changed and grown and evolved. I know I've grown, but until right now I didnt realise just how far I'd actually come. An event occured in my life in early 2005 that changed me. It still effects me greatly to this day, however I didnt realise just how messed up my head was because of that event. It suprises me when I read old blogs, old poetry and listen to old mix cds, I never thought I was that bbad, however it turns out I was and to be honest I have grown so much in that space of time. I hadn't yet turned 13, now I'm almost 18 and it feels like a lifetime ago. I am so proud of everything I have achieved in that short amount of time and although I might not always like who I am but I am proud. I am thankful that I am alive.
I could have taken the easy way out.
I could have taken the easy way out.
15.3.10
tonights the night the world begins again
I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things.
My birthday is right around the corner. I hate my birthday mainly because I can't have what it is that I truly want. The things I want aren't things money can buy. Its not about expensive gifts, It's not about gifts at all. It's too easy to buy someones love. Don't even try... show me you know me. Show me you're thinking of me. Sent me a message in the middle of the night or the middle of the day just to say hey. Write me a letter, send me something really random in the mail. Don't buy me jewellery. Don't buy me alcohol. Don't buy me anything.
My birthday is right around the corner. I hate my birthday mainly because I can't have what it is that I truly want. The things I want aren't things money can buy. Its not about expensive gifts, It's not about gifts at all. It's too easy to buy someones love. Don't even try... show me you know me. Show me you're thinking of me. Sent me a message in the middle of the night or the middle of the day just to say hey. Write me a letter, send me something really random in the mail. Don't buy me jewellery. Don't buy me alcohol. Don't buy me anything.
14.3.10
I miss you.
I'm looking at her pcitures. You're in your room. It hasn't changed much. Same pictures, even the same doona cover. You bed has moved 90 degrees... it's probably good thing, don't want anyone else hitting their head. You look the same too you know. Your hair, Your body even your clothes... Its all the same.
I spoke to you for the first time in a long time the other night. It was eery, our voices dropped to barely a whisper. My tone changed, you spoke to me the way you used to. With so much kindness, and a hint of saddness too. I wish we were the same. I wish you missed me.
I spoke to you for the first time in a long time the other night. It was eery, our voices dropped to barely a whisper. My tone changed, you spoke to me the way you used to. With so much kindness, and a hint of saddness too. I wish we were the same. I wish you missed me.
11.3.10
I thought it'd all been done. part 2
"It takes a long time to recover when something bad happens. It takes years. And even after two years you still stop, and think and get sad and get angry and feel sick about it all. So why knowing this is going to eventually happen, do people still set themselves up for that kind of pain?"
This was written on October 23rd 2008.
This isn't about the same thing as before. This was actually in regards to a friendship, a turbulant, difficult friendship that despite everything has stood the test of time... I now know exactly why we set ourselves up for that kind of pain, because theres the chance that the pain won't come.. sure I still expect this friendship to end at some point because all good things come to an end but this boy, this friend is amazing and I am so glad I persisted with it. All the mind games, the lost sleep, the annoying texts/calls it was all worth it. The pain hasnt reached me yet and its over 12. Maybe the pain won't ever come, maybe it will.. but by seeting ourselves up for that pain we experience the many highs along the way.
This was written on October 23rd 2008.
This isn't about the same thing as before. This was actually in regards to a friendship, a turbulant, difficult friendship that despite everything has stood the test of time... I now know exactly why we set ourselves up for that kind of pain, because theres the chance that the pain won't come.. sure I still expect this friendship to end at some point because all good things come to an end but this boy, this friend is amazing and I am so glad I persisted with it. All the mind games, the lost sleep, the annoying texts/calls it was all worth it. The pain hasnt reached me yet and its over 12. Maybe the pain won't ever come, maybe it will.. but by seeting ourselves up for that pain we experience the many highs along the way.
10.3.10
I look at you.
I miss sitting in my driveway at night. I miss laying in my bed with you. I miss being in my rumpus room with you. I miss walking around thurgoona in the middle of the night with you. I miss you calling me everyday. I miss you texting me 100 times a day. I miss watching you play football. I miss being in your arms. I miss hating you. I miss loving you. I miss you.
We were so in love that it hurt. We never had a conventional relationship. There was always other people involved, other people making it hard. It was never easy, we never went public either but it was amazing. It was a rollercoaster. You hated me, I hated you. We hurt each other repeatedly, there was always jealousy. But with all the bad came all the good.
When it was just us it was so easy. It still is. We are so comfortable with each other. There was never an awkward silence. You held me, I held you. I fit in your arms perfectly, just like you fit in my bed. I miss us terribly.
I wonder if there will always be someone that you don't get over? Someone who has such a profound effect on your life that you just don't get over them? I kind of hope so. I hope he's forever in my heart.
We were so in love that it hurt. We never had a conventional relationship. There was always other people involved, other people making it hard. It was never easy, we never went public either but it was amazing. It was a rollercoaster. You hated me, I hated you. We hurt each other repeatedly, there was always jealousy. But with all the bad came all the good.
When it was just us it was so easy. It still is. We are so comfortable with each other. There was never an awkward silence. You held me, I held you. I fit in your arms perfectly, just like you fit in my bed. I miss us terribly.
I wonder if there will always be someone that you don't get over? Someone who has such a profound effect on your life that you just don't get over them? I kind of hope so. I hope he's forever in my heart.
6.3.10
4.3.10
Let sleeping angels lie pt 2
July 9 2009
"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."
Well I really have progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl.
Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too.
"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."
Well I really have progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl.
Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too.
3.3.10
back of my hand.
We don't talk anymore. Our conversations are one sisded and neither of us know whats going on in each others lives. We don't know each other the way we used too. It's a tragic thing.
2.3.10
the bad news or the worst? pt 2
Here is part of an old blog of mine, From my myspace dated March 23 2009
"had a dream the other night, I was in a friends car, we were cruising and i got a call. A call from someone who used to mean alot to me and he asked me to come see him. So as my friend dropped me off i was shaking and he said, "why are you shaking?" my reply was "I'm about make a big mistake..." There's more to this dream but its not really relevant at this point... My point or my question rather is, why do we conciously set ourselves up to get hurt, why do we willingly make mistakes if we know before hand that they are mistakes?"
Do you wanna know the funny part about this dream.. it came true (partially) about 6 weeks later. Re-reading this reminded me of that dream which I can still remember vividly. 6 weeks after my dream I made the mistake of going back to someone. It was a huge mistake, I got hurt AGAIN but I wouldn't trade it for the world... Those 5 and a half months were amazing and things didn't work out but the memories will last me forever.
I think I have the answer to my previous question... We do it because it's not about what happens after, it's not about being hurt its about experiencing the good and accepting the bad that comes along with it. I knew I was going to get hurt, even in my dream I said it was a mistake... but its a mistake i will make again and again given the opportunity.
Re-reading old blogs is great, you tend to forget about alot of things and this is a great way to jog your memory... In the coming days/ weeks I'll re visit my old blogs and try and answer some of the questions I previously asked... hopefully 12 months has been enough time to learn a few things.
Goodnight Lovers. Goodbye Haters.
"had a dream the other night, I was in a friends car, we were cruising and i got a call. A call from someone who used to mean alot to me and he asked me to come see him. So as my friend dropped me off i was shaking and he said, "why are you shaking?" my reply was "I'm about make a big mistake..." There's more to this dream but its not really relevant at this point... My point or my question rather is, why do we conciously set ourselves up to get hurt, why do we willingly make mistakes if we know before hand that they are mistakes?"
Do you wanna know the funny part about this dream.. it came true (partially) about 6 weeks later. Re-reading this reminded me of that dream which I can still remember vividly. 6 weeks after my dream I made the mistake of going back to someone. It was a huge mistake, I got hurt AGAIN but I wouldn't trade it for the world... Those 5 and a half months were amazing and things didn't work out but the memories will last me forever.
I think I have the answer to my previous question... We do it because it's not about what happens after, it's not about being hurt its about experiencing the good and accepting the bad that comes along with it. I knew I was going to get hurt, even in my dream I said it was a mistake... but its a mistake i will make again and again given the opportunity.
Re-reading old blogs is great, you tend to forget about alot of things and this is a great way to jog your memory... In the coming days/ weeks I'll re visit my old blogs and try and answer some of the questions I previously asked... hopefully 12 months has been enough time to learn a few things.
Goodnight Lovers. Goodbye Haters.
1.3.10
Enemies forever. Friends for never.
I listened to someone else, I let someone else convince me that it was worth it and well well well look where we are now... Hurting and Angry at myself. Great advice guys really good job thanks a lot.
Sometimes I wonder if my "friends" tell me to do these things just so they can watch me get hurt.
Sometimes I wonder if my "friends" tell me to do these things just so they can watch me get hurt.
Don't listen to the advice of others.
While the cats away
The princess will play
But when princess turns her back
The kitty cat will attack
72 hours is all that went by
An omitted truth, not a lie
A trip down south and a little way weat
Princess tried her best
Poor little baby
Hanging on to a maybe
With heart and soul
Never reaching the goal
Now a harmless joke gone wrong
Reads like the lyrics to a sad song
Tick tock
The hands of the clock
Continue to turn
As the words begin to burn
Into heart, into mind
A truth so unkind.
28.2.10
Casual sex.
Friday night, speeding cars and a setting sun.
Still water over by the wall.
A perfect summers night
Under the stars, leaves dancing on trees.
Hidden from sight, Hidden from sound.
A hug, A kiss,
A little more, A lot more
Romance wasted on the lustful.
Perfection spent on the ungreatful.
The lover of hate
The hater of love
A coupling unmatched by any other.
Still water over by the wall.
A perfect summers night
Under the stars, leaves dancing on trees.
Hidden from sight, Hidden from sound.
A hug, A kiss,
A little more, A lot more
Romance wasted on the lustful.
Perfection spent on the ungreatful.
The lover of hate
The hater of love
A coupling unmatched by any other.
Birdie.
Hey there birdie,
why so blue?
why so green?
What do you know, what have you seen?
Your chirp isn't as loud
Your song isn't as sweet.
So tell me little birdie, what do you know?
You seem so sad sitting there alone
Above the world
Looking on down
You know whats coming.
You know whats around the corner.
So please Birdie
Forewarn me
Of the horrors yet to come
Please little birdie
Forewarn me
Of the heartbreak that lies ahead.
why so blue?
why so green?
What do you know, what have you seen?
Your chirp isn't as loud
Your song isn't as sweet.
So tell me little birdie, what do you know?
You seem so sad sitting there alone
Above the world
Looking on down
You know whats coming.
You know whats around the corner.
So please Birdie
Forewarn me
Of the horrors yet to come
Please little birdie
Forewarn me
Of the heartbreak that lies ahead.
25.2.10
Name Game.
"Queen of Flings" those were his exact words.
Usually I don't care what people say about me, I gave up on that a long long time ago. I decided I was going to be myself and take the good with the bad so why now are his words haunting me? Why are those 3 words making me question myself and everything I am?
First things first what is a fling? How do you define a fling? There are no rules, no boundaries, no time constraints so how do you know if it's a fling or maybe its an open relationship or possibly even an unofficial relationship... I don't like the term fling.. I don't have "flings" I just don't date.
This label really threw me a bit. I'm in no way shy about my life and the lifestyle I choose to lead, but I'm not a promiscuious person, even if I was I still wouldnt care what people, actually most people think. I'm confused as to why I care about this person having this perception of me. Especially considering this person knows very little about my life and relies on gossip for his information.
Is a fling about sex? And where do friends with benefits fit into this equation? Wow, I have a lot of questions don't I... I'd like to know people's opinions of flings and their definitons too.
Queen of flings ayy, well it'd not a title I wear with pride, opposite actually. Because what does that say about me as a person? It doesnt say much at all to be honest. When this was said to me I honestly felt like I'd been hit in the face, maybe it's because it was such a left feild comment or maybe because of who said it, at the end of the day it didn't leave me feeling too flash and has been playing on my mind since monday. (It's now Thursday.) When life throws lemons I guess...
Usually I don't care what people say about me, I gave up on that a long long time ago. I decided I was going to be myself and take the good with the bad so why now are his words haunting me? Why are those 3 words making me question myself and everything I am?
First things first what is a fling? How do you define a fling? There are no rules, no boundaries, no time constraints so how do you know if it's a fling or maybe its an open relationship or possibly even an unofficial relationship... I don't like the term fling.. I don't have "flings" I just don't date.
This label really threw me a bit. I'm in no way shy about my life and the lifestyle I choose to lead, but I'm not a promiscuious person, even if I was I still wouldnt care what people, actually most people think. I'm confused as to why I care about this person having this perception of me. Especially considering this person knows very little about my life and relies on gossip for his information.
Is a fling about sex? And where do friends with benefits fit into this equation? Wow, I have a lot of questions don't I... I'd like to know people's opinions of flings and their definitons too.
Queen of flings ayy, well it'd not a title I wear with pride, opposite actually. Because what does that say about me as a person? It doesnt say much at all to be honest. When this was said to me I honestly felt like I'd been hit in the face, maybe it's because it was such a left feild comment or maybe because of who said it, at the end of the day it didn't leave me feeling too flash and has been playing on my mind since monday. (It's now Thursday.) When life throws lemons I guess...
24.2.10
so long my friend.
Today I have to say goodbye to my bestfriend who happens to be moving to england. Which got me thinking about goodbyes and which are better, the ones you plan for or the ones that are a suprise? Either way saying goodbye sucks, losing people is always always hard but you know it's life. It allows us to grow and change. Its crucial.
I've said goodbye to alot of people in my time, which I know is rather short but at the end of the day I'd never ever trade the experience I've had with these people. Letting go is the hardest part of saying goodbye.. why do we hang on for so long after someone is gone?
Here's your choice you can let go and reflect on the experiences you've had or hang on for dear life and delve deeper and deeper into delusion. There is no such thing as a clean break, emotions prevent that. Wether we are angry or hurt or sad when the break first occurs emotions keep us attached for a period of time.
They say Time heals all wounds and fixes all breaks but does it really? It could be a broken heart, a broken friendship even a family breakdown... when something like that breaks can we ever really fix it or will pieces always be missing? Picture this - a glass vase falls and smashes on the ground, it's in a billion little tiny pieces.. is there anyway it can be perfectly restored? I honestly don't believe so, what I do believe is that although the old pieces are gone and there will be little holes, new pieces form and build onto what's there, changing what originally was there into something more...
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. Maybe there is no way of really knowing.
I've said goodbye to alot of people in my time, which I know is rather short but at the end of the day I'd never ever trade the experience I've had with these people. Letting go is the hardest part of saying goodbye.. why do we hang on for so long after someone is gone?
Here's your choice you can let go and reflect on the experiences you've had or hang on for dear life and delve deeper and deeper into delusion. There is no such thing as a clean break, emotions prevent that. Wether we are angry or hurt or sad when the break first occurs emotions keep us attached for a period of time.
They say Time heals all wounds and fixes all breaks but does it really? It could be a broken heart, a broken friendship even a family breakdown... when something like that breaks can we ever really fix it or will pieces always be missing? Picture this - a glass vase falls and smashes on the ground, it's in a billion little tiny pieces.. is there anyway it can be perfectly restored? I honestly don't believe so, what I do believe is that although the old pieces are gone and there will be little holes, new pieces form and build onto what's there, changing what originally was there into something more...
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. Maybe there is no way of really knowing.
16.2.10
Success
Success. defined as "an event that accomplishes its intended purpose"
But what is success? or more to the point how do we measure our success? Success is different to each individual and with that being said how exactly do we know if we are infact successful?
A dear friend of mine told me he feels he needs to be successful in life, but why change? Success comes in many shapes and forms so why are we so intent on measuring our success with money? I'm not going to change so that someone else can say I'm successful, how do they know?
I like to think that success is the feeling of accomplishment, it doesnt need a monetary value. How do you measure an addicts success with money? you don't...
And what if you spend all your time trying to be "successful" according to someone else's definition and your life is suddenly cut short? Success is something that comes with everything you do. Big or small each week maybe even each day is full of little successes. So don't forget to take in the whole picture.
But what is success? or more to the point how do we measure our success? Success is different to each individual and with that being said how exactly do we know if we are infact successful?
A dear friend of mine told me he feels he needs to be successful in life, but why change? Success comes in many shapes and forms so why are we so intent on measuring our success with money? I'm not going to change so that someone else can say I'm successful, how do they know?
I like to think that success is the feeling of accomplishment, it doesnt need a monetary value. How do you measure an addicts success with money? you don't...
And what if you spend all your time trying to be "successful" according to someone else's definition and your life is suddenly cut short? Success is something that comes with everything you do. Big or small each week maybe even each day is full of little successes. So don't forget to take in the whole picture.
30.1.10
all about me.
I'm not a partier. I'm not a people person. I swear, I drink, I'm rude and sppeak whats on my mind. I can be inappropriate and I know how to play people. I get what I want. I'm full of myself, I'm loud and I often don't care who hears what I say. I'm a dreamer and I live in my head. I have good days and I have bad days. I hate myself and love myself. I enjoy sex. I'm reckless and I don't date. I don't believe in marriage but I do believe in karma. I've smoked cigarettes and I even tried pot. I drive a corolla, which I didn't pay for. My spending habits are HUGE. I'm indulgent. I get mad then get nasty. I can be malicious and vindictive. I get in your head and under your skin. I text too much and don't call enough. I work too hard and play too little. I fly away, I drive away, I walk away. I'm frustrated at myself. I'm tired and constantly sleeping. My best friend is about to move away for 6 months and my other cloeset friend left last novemeber. I'm lonely. These are just some of the many flaws and faults taht are apart of me and who I am. If you can't accept my the negatives you don't deserve to know the positives.
26.1.10
You're screwing it up
Why do we insist on sabotage? More importantly why do we sabotage ourselves? I fail to understand.. Why ruin the best thing you have for something less?
You are so lucky yet your screwing it up.. you have everything that matters, everything I want yet you are intentionally screwing it all up and throwing it all away. You're taking it all for granted.. people don't last, everybody leaves but tell me why on earth are you opening the door?
I wish people would learn, More to the point I wish people would listen because you really don't know what you have til it's gone... So don't let it go, for god sake DON'T LET IT GO..
You are so lucky yet your screwing it up.. you have everything that matters, everything I want yet you are intentionally screwing it all up and throwing it all away. You're taking it all for granted.. people don't last, everybody leaves but tell me why on earth are you opening the door?
I wish people would learn, More to the point I wish people would listen because you really don't know what you have til it's gone... So don't let it go, for god sake DON'T LET IT GO..
20.1.10
shocker.
You know when you accidently find things out or you just happen to work things out and it all comes as a shock.. I'm having one of those moments. I wish I didn't snoop so much, or not so much snoop but I wish I didn't need to know whats going on around me.. whatever happened to ignorance is bliss?
Maybe it's sign. I'd like to hope so but I highly doubt it. But still WOW. Talk about shock to the system. Aw well. That's life and I'm happy for him.
Maybe it's sign. I'd like to hope so but I highly doubt it. But still WOW. Talk about shock to the system. Aw well. That's life and I'm happy for him.
17.1.10
I can't be bigger than my old habits.
Well I guess it's true.
I can't be bigger than my old habits. I also can't shake them either. So someone tell me why as humans do we find it so hard to let go of certain habits or behaviours? Why can't we recognise they are bad habits, and just change for the better? Why is it so difficult? Is it because we are so comfortable or maybe because we are scared I don't know.
Here's a few of my bad habits.
-I swear
-I drink, often too much too quick.
-I smoke when I'm stressed
-I kick things
-I make myself sick
-I have casual sex that means absolutely nothing to me.
These habits are hard to shake. I'm a reckless person, No I was a reckless person. I'm trying particularly hard to be less reckless. I'm learning to care. I'm trying and succeeding in cutting down on my drinking, I havent had a cigareete in months. I'm still working on the whole casual sex thing. I have made myself sick once in the last month or so. And I threw a bin instead of kicking it. :)
I'm trying to be bigger than my old habits. I am truly trying.
I can't be bigger than my old habits. I also can't shake them either. So someone tell me why as humans do we find it so hard to let go of certain habits or behaviours? Why can't we recognise they are bad habits, and just change for the better? Why is it so difficult? Is it because we are so comfortable or maybe because we are scared I don't know.
Here's a few of my bad habits.
-I swear
-I drink, often too much too quick.
-I smoke when I'm stressed
-I kick things
-I make myself sick
-I have casual sex that means absolutely nothing to me.
These habits are hard to shake. I'm a reckless person, No I was a reckless person. I'm trying particularly hard to be less reckless. I'm learning to care. I'm trying and succeeding in cutting down on my drinking, I havent had a cigareete in months. I'm still working on the whole casual sex thing. I have made myself sick once in the last month or so. And I threw a bin instead of kicking it. :)
I'm trying to be bigger than my old habits. I am truly trying.
16.1.10
agrum.
So here's the deal.
Lately I've been thinking about myself and my lifestyle. For the past 2-2.5 years I have been single and it's been by choice. After Matt and Me broke up I decided I was going to have fun and that I wasn't going to be serious. Now I think I was reckless to be honest. I was thinking about it the other day, I do have feelings for someone, most people who know me, know exactly who it is, it is rather obvious but the more I hope to be in a relationship with him the more I doubt myself.
Right now with the way I've been living I don't know if I could go back to being in a monogamous relationship... that thought sort of scares me. I'm against cheating although it's not the worst thing in the world, but I've dug such a deep hole I just don't know how I can get out of it.
Fingers crossed I get the chance to find out.
Lately I've been thinking about myself and my lifestyle. For the past 2-2.5 years I have been single and it's been by choice. After Matt and Me broke up I decided I was going to have fun and that I wasn't going to be serious. Now I think I was reckless to be honest. I was thinking about it the other day, I do have feelings for someone, most people who know me, know exactly who it is, it is rather obvious but the more I hope to be in a relationship with him the more I doubt myself.
Right now with the way I've been living I don't know if I could go back to being in a monogamous relationship... that thought sort of scares me. I'm against cheating although it's not the worst thing in the world, but I've dug such a deep hole I just don't know how I can get out of it.
Fingers crossed I get the chance to find out.
14.1.10
Move me music, move me
So I just read Judds blog as I usually do and one in particular jumped out at me. Music. Music is a wonderful thing. Judd made a good point, most songs today are not written by the artists themselves.. usually they have a team of writers do it for them.. doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose? Whatever happened to music as therapy and release, music being about the music, the lyrics the experience and not about the money. Fuck radio and fuck commercialism.. some of the greatest bands have had 1 or 2 radio hits and yet they are still highly successful. It's bands like this that have the most dedicated fans, who will fly across the country to see them, who will by every single album of theres, watch countless hours of bootleg footage shot from concerts and watch/read every last interview they can find. If I had any musical talent thats the kind of musician I would want to be. I wouldnt need to play 5 concerts in capitals cities. I would travel right around australia and play at pubs and clubs, open air concerts, at ute musters, at shows and fairs. I'd play for the fans and every song I would play would be one either me or someone else in the band had written.
I don't want to hear you on my radio singing the same god damn line over and over again. I want to hear about you're life. I want to know about your trials and tribulations. I want you to tell me how it felt when your best friend passed away, I want to know what you did last night and how you feel this morning. I want to know what you and your FRIENDS did, not your groupies, your roadies and your back up dancers. I want to know how it felt playing to 100 hundred people in a tiny outback pub in the middle of nowhere. Don't tell me you want to ride my disco stick, or that people are begging to if you seek amy. Don't tell me to cry you a fucking river either.
Sing me a song with your whole heart. Scream those words til there is nothing left inside of you. Reduce me to tears with the sheer awesomeness of the emotion you produce.
I don't want to hear you on my radio singing the same god damn line over and over again. I want to hear about you're life. I want to know about your trials and tribulations. I want you to tell me how it felt when your best friend passed away, I want to know what you did last night and how you feel this morning. I want to know what you and your FRIENDS did, not your groupies, your roadies and your back up dancers. I want to know how it felt playing to 100 hundred people in a tiny outback pub in the middle of nowhere. Don't tell me you want to ride my disco stick, or that people are begging to if you seek amy. Don't tell me to cry you a fucking river either.
Sing me a song with your whole heart. Scream those words til there is nothing left inside of you. Reduce me to tears with the sheer awesomeness of the emotion you produce.
10.1.10
18.
I'm about to turn 18 in a few months.
No alot of people look forward to this, but I'm not overly excited.. Nothing will be different other than the fact that now if i want to buy cancer stick and posion I can legally.
I'm about to turn another year older. I'm just going to make more mistakes and feel more pain. I'm going to watch people come and go from my life and I dare say I'll still be miserable by the time i turn 19.
My 18th itself will be just another day. 9hrs at work followed by a 10hr day. I'll be surrounded by people when I don't want to be. There's alot of obligation that comes with turning 18, I really wish my parents had stopped for two seconds and asked me exactly what I wanted to do. Because I don't want to be surrounded by 100+ people, drinking, eating, at night. I don't want to be out until 12pm or later, I don't want people buying me drinks expecting me to drink them. I don't want any of that. But it's what I'm getting.
I love how people just make desicions for me, make assumptions about what I want. It really shows just how much those who have been around me the longest, and the most often don't know me at all. Stop pretending. Stop assuming. Get to know me.
No alot of people look forward to this, but I'm not overly excited.. Nothing will be different other than the fact that now if i want to buy cancer stick and posion I can legally.
I'm about to turn another year older. I'm just going to make more mistakes and feel more pain. I'm going to watch people come and go from my life and I dare say I'll still be miserable by the time i turn 19.
My 18th itself will be just another day. 9hrs at work followed by a 10hr day. I'll be surrounded by people when I don't want to be. There's alot of obligation that comes with turning 18, I really wish my parents had stopped for two seconds and asked me exactly what I wanted to do. Because I don't want to be surrounded by 100+ people, drinking, eating, at night. I don't want to be out until 12pm or later, I don't want people buying me drinks expecting me to drink them. I don't want any of that. But it's what I'm getting.
I love how people just make desicions for me, make assumptions about what I want. It really shows just how much those who have been around me the longest, and the most often don't know me at all. Stop pretending. Stop assuming. Get to know me.
5.1.10
It's strange to be happy when you're boyfriend's lonely but thats the way we are.
Everytime I sit down to type, my words seem inadequate and my thoughts cannot be articulated. It drives me crazy, I wish i could communicate effectively and release all this pressure from my mind. perhaps this is why I have difficulty sleeping at nights, maybe I lie awake because I too am scared?
I wish my brain was clear, I wish there was a way to empty my brain, my thoughts. I wish I had someone who could make sense of all the darkness inside my head. It scares me, it truly does and my thoughts often contradict themselves, I need clarity. I need to not be lonely anymore.
Loneliness is a strange thing. I can be alone and be content, yet when surrounded by people I feel so lonely. I know it's the way it goes, and I'm not the only one who has felt like this but it still boggles my mind. The loneliness has taken over my mind and my heart. I could not tell you the last time I was truly happy. I'm lonely. I'm miserable. I'm scared.
I wish my brain was clear, I wish there was a way to empty my brain, my thoughts. I wish I had someone who could make sense of all the darkness inside my head. It scares me, it truly does and my thoughts often contradict themselves, I need clarity. I need to not be lonely anymore.
Loneliness is a strange thing. I can be alone and be content, yet when surrounded by people I feel so lonely. I know it's the way it goes, and I'm not the only one who has felt like this but it still boggles my mind. The loneliness has taken over my mind and my heart. I could not tell you the last time I was truly happy. I'm lonely. I'm miserable. I'm scared.
4.1.10
lollypops are for suckers.
I'm not a people person, however I am a person person.
Particular people stand out in my life.
I miss one in particular who moved away towards the end of last year to further his career. I am so proud of this boy who has touched my life in such an amazing way. However as proud as I am I miss him something fierce. See think is it's pretty hard to go from seeing someone no less than three times a week, speaking to them everyday and seeing there car each day. It's such a huge adjustment.
I miss your visits.
Particular people stand out in my life.
I miss one in particular who moved away towards the end of last year to further his career. I am so proud of this boy who has touched my life in such an amazing way. However as proud as I am I miss him something fierce. See think is it's pretty hard to go from seeing someone no less than three times a week, speaking to them everyday and seeing there car each day. It's such a huge adjustment.
I miss your visits.
2.1.10
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