It's not that it's wrong, it just isn't right
And i don't know how to speak the truth
That's going to kill you.
But I can't keep walking forward with you
When all I want to do is run far away
Your skin touches mine
There is no fire, There is no ice
Our lips collide
Like the waves that hit the rocks
On a stormy winters day
In your arms I don't feel safe.

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

The cat in the hat

I just found an old mix cd of mine. God how times have changed. Its kinda funny to go back and listen to the music you were into a few years ago, it shows you just how much you've changed and grown and evolved. I know I've grown, but until right now I didnt realise just how far I'd actually come. An event occured in my life in early 2005 that changed me. It still effects me greatly to this day, however I didnt realise just how messed up my head was because of that event. It suprises me when I read old blogs, old poetry and listen to old mix cds, I never thought I was that bbad, however it turns out I was and to be honest I have grown so much in that space of time. I hadn't yet turned 13, now I'm almost 18 and it feels like a lifetime ago. I am so proud of everything I have achieved in that short amount of time and although I might not always like who I am but I am proud. I am thankful that I am alive.

I could have taken the easy way out.

tonights the night the world begins again

I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things.

My birthday is right around the corner. I hate my birthday mainly because I can't have what it is that I truly want. The things I want aren't things money can buy. Its not about expensive gifts, It's not about gifts at all. It's too easy to buy someones love. Don't even try... show me you know me. Show me you're thinking of me. Sent me a message in the middle of the night or the middle of the day just to say hey. Write me a letter, send me something really random in the mail. Don't buy me jewellery. Don't buy me alcohol. Don't buy me anything.

I miss you.

I'm looking at her pcitures. You're in your room. It hasn't changed much. Same pictures, even the same doona cover. You bed has moved 90 degrees... it's probably good thing, don't want anyone else hitting their head. You look the same too you know. Your hair, Your body even your clothes... Its all the same.

I spoke to you for the first time in a long time the other night. It was eery, our voices dropped to barely a whisper. My tone changed, you spoke to me the way you used to. With so much kindness, and a hint of saddness too. I wish we were the same. I wish you missed me.

I thought it'd all been done. part 2

"It takes a long time to recover when something bad happens. It takes years. And even after two years you still stop, and think and get sad and get angry and feel sick about it all. So why knowing this is going to eventually happen, do people still set themselves up for that kind of pain?"

This was written on October 23rd 2008.

This isn't about the same thing as before. This was actually in regards to a friendship, a turbulant, difficult friendship that despite everything has stood the test of time... I now know exactly why we set ourselves up for that kind of pain, because theres the chance that the pain won't come.. sure I still expect this friendship to end at some point because all good things come to an end but this boy, this friend is amazing and I am so glad I persisted with it. All the mind games, the lost sleep, the annoying texts/calls it was all worth it. The pain hasnt reached me yet and its over 12. Maybe the pain won't ever come, maybe it will.. but by seeting ourselves up for that pain we experience the many highs along the way.

I hate going to the doctors. Mainly because every time I go they can't figure out what is wrong. Mum is making me go when I get back from sydney. To be honest I should really go to the after hours clinic tonight but oh well. If these headaches and migrains do not stop I will go straight away.

7 days.

It's exactly 7 days until I see my most favourite person in the world :)

I look at you.

I miss sitting in my driveway at night. I miss laying in my bed with you. I miss being in my rumpus room with you. I miss walking around thurgoona in the middle of the night with you. I miss you calling me everyday. I miss you texting me 100 times a day. I miss watching you play football. I miss being in your arms. I miss hating you. I miss loving you. I miss you.

We were so in love that it hurt. We never had a conventional relationship. There was always other people involved, other people making it hard. It was never easy, we never went public either but it was amazing. It was a rollercoaster. You hated me, I hated you. We hurt each other repeatedly, there was always jealousy. But with all the bad came all the good.

When it was just us it was so easy. It still is. We are so comfortable with each other. There was never an awkward silence. You held me, I held you. I fit in your arms perfectly, just like you fit in my bed. I miss us terribly.



I wonder if there will always be someone that you don't get over? Someone who has such a profound effect on your life that you just don't get over them? I kind of hope so. I hope he's forever in my heart.

cbj

I miss you like you would not believe.

Let sleeping angels lie pt 2

July 9 2009

"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."

Well I really have progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl.

Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too.

back of my hand.

We don't talk anymore. Our conversations are one sisded and neither of us know whats going on in each others lives. We don't know each other the way we used too. It's a tragic thing.

the bad news or the worst? pt 2

Here is part of an old blog of mine, From my myspace dated March 23 2009

"had a dream the other night, I was in a friends car, we were cruising and i got a call. A call from someone who used to mean alot to me and he asked me to come see him. So as my friend dropped me off i was shaking and he said, "why are you shaking?" my reply was "I'm about make a big mistake..." There's more to this dream but its not really relevant at this point... My point or my question rather is, why do we conciously set ourselves up to get hurt, why do we willingly make mistakes if we know before hand that they are mistakes?"

Do you wanna know the funny part about this dream.. it came true (partially) about 6 weeks later. Re-reading this reminded me of that dream which I can still remember vividly. 6 weeks after my dream I made the mistake of going back to someone. It was a huge mistake, I got hurt AGAIN but I wouldn't trade it for the world... Those 5 and a half months were amazing and things didn't work out but the memories will last me forever.

I think I have the answer to my previous question... We do it because it's not about what happens after, it's not about being hurt its about experiencing the good and accepting the bad that comes along with it. I knew I was going to get hurt, even in my dream I said it was a mistake... but its a mistake i will make again and again given the opportunity.

Re-reading old blogs is great, you tend to forget about alot of things and this is a great way to jog your memory... In the coming days/ weeks I'll re visit my old blogs and try and answer some of the questions I previously asked... hopefully 12 months has been enough time to learn a few things.

Goodnight Lovers. Goodbye Haters.

Enemies forever. Friends for never.

I listened to someone else, I let someone else convince me that it was worth it and well well well look where we are now... Hurting and Angry at myself. Great advice guys really good job thanks a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if my "friends" tell me to do these things just so they can watch me get hurt.

Don't listen to the advice of others.

While the cats away
The princess will play
But when princess turns her back
The kitty cat will attack
72 hours is all that went by
An omitted truth, not a lie
A trip down south and a little way weat
Princess tried her best
Poor little baby
Hanging on to a maybe
With heart and soul
Never reaching the goal
Now a harmless joke gone wrong
Reads like the lyrics to a sad song
Tick tock
The hands of the clock
Continue to turn
As the words begin to burn
Into heart, into mind
A truth so unkind.