wow.

"i don't have any people on there who negatively effect my life."

wow. For nearly 4 years I've been there. Through the good and the bad. I know we were or are toxic for one another. We are, it's a fact. tumultuous. Thats the word that describes us best but I never once thought I was "negatively effecting your life" It's funny you say that it really is because everyone knows I changed because of you. I lost so many people but I always said that I didn't need them if I had you because you were pretty much number 1.

In the last four years it's been impossible for me to date and alot of the time I found it hard to be happy. You made my life difficult at times and you know it. I hated you somedays. You hurt me physically and mentally. You broke me and then you built me up and I was never the same. I do not resent you. I miss you.

When we started off, I was on eggshells. The stupid games, those ridiculous ongs, the fights, the sleepless nights, the constant texts. You drove me insane and I still stuck around. I gave you advice, I listened to your problems, I was there when all the others walked away. I gave everything you needed aswell as everything you wanted from me.

I just don't see how I ever negatively effect your life.

the week ahead

Every now and then I know I have a hectic week ahead so usually on a monday morning I lay in bed and mentally plan the full weekend ahead. I'm not sure why I even bother though as my plans have already changed heaps. Argh it's going to be one intense week.

Today doesn't count because I'm babysitting for the rest of the afternoon and it's almost over. But the rest of the week is going to be mental so if you are trying to organise things with me (yes chloe that means you) I am so so sorry if it seems like I don't have time for you. I'll definately try my hardest to seem everyone :)

who I am hates who I've been.

So last night I went on a downloading spree and ended up downloading some really random songs. One of which was by Relient K. I used to listen to this song alot probably 2 maybe 3 years ago now and somehow it ended up being shunted and it was only last night that I re-found it. It's the title of this song that really got me thinking. who I am hates who I've been.

I'm a firm believer in our past makes us who we are, I am not ashamed of who I was but I'm not always proud either.

promise.

I'm trying so hard, I really am and I don't want you to think for a second that I'm forgetting about you because that isn't the case. I know you're not used to me taking off the way I have been lately and I know some nights you try and try and wait up for me. I'm not doing this on purpose I promise. It's all exciting and intoxicating and I know its taking a toll on you and everyone else for that matter. I will try so much harder from now I promise you.


It's hard trying to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I forget that my actions don't just affect me the affect those around me too. Change is always hard to accept, for me it was easy but I never stopped to think about me changing my habits and patterns would effect those around me. I guess I now feel a bit selfish. I have to try alot harder.

maybe, just maybe

:)

twenty oh nine. prt 2 aka twenty ten.

31.12.09
twenty oh nine.
This year Sucked.
I lost all passion for school, for sport, for work basically for life.
I became angry and nasty.
I fell into old patterns.
My best friend moved away.
All in All this year sucked and I'm pretty sure 2010 will be the same.

So needless to say I didn't have a great 2009, but although some shit things have happened so far this year I am so thankful for this year, for the experiences, the memories and the lessons.

I quit my job because I hated it and found one I loved
I moved away and that didnt work out well but it made me appreciate Albury more.
I realised that my "old patterns" are who I am. I enjoy my life and the lifestyle I lead even if others don't.
I lost a few friends this year but people come in and out of your life for a reason and I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with any of them. It's taught me to be apprciative of the people around me and what little time I have with them.

So 2010 wasn't always great but I enjoyed it alot more and I'd like to think I grew up a lot more over the course of the year.

strength

I've had a shit two weeks. When it rains it always pours. I was so angry and upset and I honestly felt like giving up, just curling up in bed and not functioning for a few days but you know what I just had the best weekend ever. No highs without Lows :)

It's kind of a comforting thing, it doesn't matter how much I want to give up when I get down, because I know there is always something to look forward to.

Everyone has days like that, where they have honest had enough and just want to give up. Never ever give up! Once you start fighting you'll be amazed at the strength you have. You don't know how strong you can be until you have to be. I admire that strength in people I truly do.

realisations.

I think you learn alot about yourself when someone who hasn't been a round for a long period of time comes back into your life. I didn't think I'd changed much at all over the year but it's apparent I have. I was so worried about her being different that I didn't even think that maybe it was me. It was a bit of a shock really, to sit there and realise.. Hey I have changed.. alot and I don't think we fit together anymore. It's almost like there's no room for you in my life now.

I never ever thought of it like that. I think though that I like the fact that I've grown and changed. This year has been an absolute rollercoaster for me and although there have been times that sucked, I have some great memories too. I like taking each day as it comes and I like living and feeling every single moment.

Eventually, there may be a place for you in my life once again, but right now I can't see where abouts you're going to fit. I could put in a huge effort, re-arrange everything and give you back pride of place but I don't think I will. Not just yet

:)

June 15th 2007 < 3

what an amazing night.

Just Friends... prt2

February 2, 2008 - Saturday

Can we go from what we had to "Just Freinds"?
Are we going to get over the tension??
The awkwardness??
The past??

Do we ever get over it?
Really?

Interestingly enough the answer to this, in this situation was no. Sure we became great friends but never just friends.. The past was always there, the sexual tension was always there. But it made us. We had a crazy friendship that pushed boundries and what not. I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

Tonights the night the world begins again. prt2

June 3, 2008 - Tuesday

"People effect me in different ways, but I have noticed something recently. It's like life is a movie stuck on replay. It's not identical, but eerily similar each time around. When life crumbles at my feet each time i rebuild, either new places or new faces, but the story always plays out pretty much the same. Then suddenly Life crumbles away again."

It's funny because in a way I still believe this. Life seems to go in a pattern, it's the same story just new faces and places. It's kind of comforting in a way because although there is change there is still a little bit of consistancey. I remember exactly why I wrote this and where I was when I had this thought way back in 2008.

Most people if they had a problem would have someone they turned to straight away, back then I remember looking through my phone going who do I call? Who is there? Life literally crmbled at my feet and I didn't even notice.

I think it's important to rebuild, you can't grow as a person without rebuilding from time to time.

quote.

he will never know he knows her better than she knows herself.

Incredible. pt2

May 19, 2009 - Tuesday
Incredible.
I think it's incredibly important to say just how thankful I am right at this present time. Sure, we all make mistakes, it's just apart of life, but to have the chance to make them right is amazing. I have not felt this way in a very very long time. Suddenly my world seems right. I don't want to take this for granted because I know too well that it could easily end at any given time.


I feel so safe, so motivated and so lucky right now. Here's my second chance. Maybe it will be the same, maybe it will be different, but either way for now life is great, truly great =]

I got my second chance, and although it didn't work out, and although I got hurt again I wouldn't trade that short, precious time for anything in the world. I still love my life and I'm thankful that I get to live it. It's not perfect but It's not terrible either :)

Here it is. all in black and white. prt2

June 11, 2009 - Thursday

Here it is. all in black and white.
Hate is a very strong word.
Do you HATE me?
Or do you miss me?
Something tells me its the latter, I bet your spewing that I waltzed back onto the scene... Isn't it killing you that he let me back into his world? I bet your totally mad that its him and not you..
What have you got to say to me? It's been three whole years.. I'm sure that enough time to think. Did you think I'd always stay? That I would be there forever? You taught me that forever doesn't exsist.
I love how you've supposedly forgotten me, gotten over me.. but do you remember that it was me? It was always me.. I was there when it started.. for girlfriend number and girlfriend number 2.. I just hope you don't forget that we we're inseperable. Best of friends, best of enemies. I miss you.



I'm never going to forget certain people. Even though majority of these people are no longer a part of my life. I might not be the greatest person, but to these people I was at one point in time. I miss those days alot. I miss those people alot.


I wrote this on my myspace blog back in June 2009. It's kinda funny because as much as I was gloating I was still annoyed that I was only able to walk back in to one persons life and not two. Since then I've walked back out of this persons life. Thats life unfortunately.. interestingly enough though he was in my dream last night and it was amazing. Usually I like to be here in reality but last night was one of the few times I could have stayed in dream land.

Hate is a strong word, I firmly believe that it is the equal opposite to love. Apparently I am still hated, but only because I was loved. I guess I take comfort in that.

I still miss those people, I still remember them all. I will not forget those who made me who I am, who shared the highs and the lows with me.

< 3

I like that I can still see you in my dreams :)

it's a bizarre feeling when you wake up one day and realise you have no feelings left for someone who used to be your everything.

negativity.

Everyone around me seems to be giving off a negative vibe lately. I'm sick of it, I really am. Yes, bad things happen, unfortunately terrible things happen too but why is everyone so down lately?! It's frustrating.. have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is completely down regardless of your best efforts to cheer them up?

The worst part is I like to help. I get sucked in to every situation because I'm the girl who wants to save the world. Now, I wish I knew the right words, the exact words that would make everything better, but I don't. All I know is that yes, Life throws you lemons, but I am a firm believer in high being the eqal opposite to low, just like love/hate, night/day, dark/light etc. This means that you can't experience the highs without the lows and in time things will come good again.

But please people I am begging you, lighten up! Life is so incredibly short and negativity is probably shaving years off your life. I get that we all feel sad at times, we get angry and upset and frustrated, but stop looking for the negative. You are entitled to feel all those emotions, but look for the positives... dwelling on the negatives is just making it so much worse.