all about me.

I'm not a partier. I'm not a people person. I swear, I drink, I'm rude and sppeak whats on my mind. I can be inappropriate and I know how to play people. I get what I want. I'm full of myself, I'm loud and I often don't care who hears what I say. I'm a dreamer and I live in my head. I have good days and I have bad days. I hate myself and love myself. I enjoy sex. I'm reckless and I don't date. I don't believe in marriage but I do believe in karma. I've smoked cigarettes and I even tried pot. I drive a corolla, which I didn't pay for. My spending habits are HUGE. I'm indulgent. I get mad then get nasty. I can be malicious and vindictive. I get in your head and under your skin. I text too much and don't call enough. I work too hard and play too little. I fly away, I drive away, I walk away. I'm frustrated at myself. I'm tired and constantly sleeping. My best friend is about to move away for 6 months and my other cloeset friend left last novemeber. I'm lonely. These are just some of the many flaws and faults taht are apart of me and who I am. If you can't accept my the negatives you don't deserve to know the positives.

You're screwing it up

Why do we insist on sabotage? More importantly why do we sabotage ourselves? I fail to understand.. Why ruin the best thing you have for something less?

You are so lucky yet your screwing it up.. you have everything that matters, everything I want yet you are intentionally screwing it all up and throwing it all away. You're taking it all for granted.. people don't last, everybody leaves but tell me why on earth are you opening the door?

I wish people would learn, More to the point I wish people would listen because you really don't know what you have til it's gone... So don't let it go, for god sake DON'T LET IT GO..

shocker.

You know when you accidently find things out or you just happen to work things out and it all comes as a shock.. I'm having one of those moments. I wish I didn't snoop so much, or not so much snoop but I wish I didn't need to know whats going on around me.. whatever happened to ignorance is bliss?

Maybe it's sign. I'd like to hope so but I highly doubt it. But still WOW. Talk about shock to the system. Aw well. That's life and I'm happy for him.

I can't be bigger than my old habits.

Well I guess it's true.
I can't be bigger than my old habits. I also can't shake them either. So someone tell me why as humans do we find it so hard to let go of certain habits or behaviours? Why can't we recognise they are bad habits, and just change for the better? Why is it so difficult? Is it because we are so comfortable or maybe because we are scared I don't know.

Here's a few of my bad habits.
-I swear
-I drink, often too much too quick.
-I smoke when I'm stressed
-I kick things
-I make myself sick
-I have casual sex that means absolutely nothing to me.

These habits are hard to shake. I'm a reckless person, No I was a reckless person. I'm trying particularly hard to be less reckless. I'm learning to care. I'm trying and succeeding in cutting down on my drinking, I havent had a cigareete in months. I'm still working on the whole casual sex thing. I have made myself sick once in the last month or so. And I threw a bin instead of kicking it. :)

I'm trying to be bigger than my old habits. I am truly trying.

agrum.

So here's the deal.
Lately I've been thinking about myself and my lifestyle. For the past 2-2.5 years I have been single and it's been by choice. After Matt and Me broke up I decided I was going to have fun and that I wasn't going to be serious. Now I think I was reckless to be honest. I was thinking about it the other day, I do have feelings for someone, most people who know me, know exactly who it is, it is rather obvious but the more I hope to be in a relationship with him the more I doubt myself.

Right now with the way I've been living I don't know if I could go back to being in a monogamous relationship... that thought sort of scares me. I'm against cheating although it's not the worst thing in the world, but I've dug such a deep hole I just don't know how I can get out of it.

Fingers crossed I get the chance to find out.

Move me music, move me

So I just read Judds blog as I usually do and one in particular jumped out at me. Music. Music is a wonderful thing. Judd made a good point, most songs today are not written by the artists themselves.. usually they have a team of writers do it for them.. doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose? Whatever happened to music as therapy and release, music being about the music, the lyrics the experience and not about the money. Fuck radio and fuck commercialism.. some of the greatest bands have had 1 or 2 radio hits and yet they are still highly successful. It's bands like this that have the most dedicated fans, who will fly across the country to see them, who will by every single album of theres, watch countless hours of bootleg footage shot from concerts and watch/read every last interview they can find. If I had any musical talent thats the kind of musician I would want to be. I wouldnt need to play 5 concerts in capitals cities. I would travel right around australia and play at pubs and clubs, open air concerts, at ute musters, at shows and fairs. I'd play for the fans and every song I would play would be one either me or someone else in the band had written.

I don't want to hear you on my radio singing the same god damn line over and over again. I want to hear about you're life. I want to know about your trials and tribulations. I want you to tell me how it felt when your best friend passed away, I want to know what you did last night and how you feel this morning. I want to know what you and your FRIENDS did, not your groupies, your roadies and your back up dancers. I want to know how it felt playing to 100 hundred people in a tiny outback pub in the middle of nowhere. Don't tell me you want to ride my disco stick, or that people are begging to if you seek amy. Don't tell me to cry you a fucking river either.

Sing me a song with your whole heart. Scream those words til there is nothing left inside of you. Reduce me to tears with the sheer awesomeness of the emotion you produce.

18.

I'm about to turn 18 in a few months.
No alot of people look forward to this, but I'm not overly excited.. Nothing will be different other than the fact that now if i want to buy cancer stick and posion I can legally.

I'm about to turn another year older. I'm just going to make more mistakes and feel more pain. I'm going to watch people come and go from my life and I dare say I'll still be miserable by the time i turn 19.

My 18th itself will be just another day. 9hrs at work followed by a 10hr day. I'll be surrounded by people when I don't want to be. There's alot of obligation that comes with turning 18, I really wish my parents had stopped for two seconds and asked me exactly what I wanted to do. Because I don't want to be surrounded by 100+ people, drinking, eating, at night. I don't want to be out until 12pm or later, I don't want people buying me drinks expecting me to drink them. I don't want any of that. But it's what I'm getting.

I love how people just make desicions for me, make assumptions about what I want. It really shows just how much those who have been around me the longest, and the most often don't know me at all. Stop pretending. Stop assuming. Get to know me.

It's strange to be happy when you're boyfriend's lonely but thats the way we are.

Everytime I sit down to type, my words seem inadequate and my thoughts cannot be articulated. It drives me crazy, I wish i could communicate effectively and release all this pressure from my mind. perhaps this is why I have difficulty sleeping at nights, maybe I lie awake because I too am scared?

I wish my brain was clear, I wish there was a way to empty my brain, my thoughts. I wish I had someone who could make sense of all the darkness inside my head. It scares me, it truly does and my thoughts often contradict themselves, I need clarity. I need to not be lonely anymore.

Loneliness is a strange thing. I can be alone and be content, yet when surrounded by people I feel so lonely. I know it's the way it goes, and I'm not the only one who has felt like this but it still boggles my mind. The loneliness has taken over my mind and my heart. I could not tell you the last time I was truly happy. I'm lonely. I'm miserable. I'm scared.

lollypops are for suckers.

I'm not a people person, however I am a person person.
Particular people stand out in my life.
I miss one in particular who moved away towards the end of last year to further his career. I am so proud of this boy who has touched my life in such an amazing way. However as proud as I am I miss him something fierce. See think is it's pretty hard to go from seeing someone no less than three times a week, speaking to them everyday and seeing there car each day. It's such a huge adjustment.

I miss your visits.

Ask me anything and everything.

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