An open letter to my dearest friend.

Sometimes words fail us, and it's these failing words that have driven us apart so here my friend is an open letter to you, full of all the things I want to say, all the questions I want ask...

 Let me start by saying that I am proud of you. I don't tell you that enough. I also believe in you, I have more faith in you than I have in myself. Everyone suffers set backs, right now you're going through an adjustment period, it will end. It will get better and you'll find your groove again. 

Secretly I'm thrilled that you're coming home, I'm also scared. I miss you, I want to see you again, I want to touch you and hold you and I want to kiss you and I'd never tell you that. I want to talk to you, I want to drive around in the moonlight and spill my secrets to you. I want you to put some excitement back into my life.

                                 "let me come over I would tell you secrets nobody knows."

  I worry about you everyday, I stress about you, I just want you to be ok. I want you to be happy. That's all I'll ever want. I think you never really got over her, and I think it holds you back from opening yourself up to the possibility of finding someone who you love and can have a future with. You're also young so I guess it's not a huge drama either. I think there's someone out there who will take your breath away and never give it back.

 Are you really ok with coming back? Are things going to go back the way they were before you left? Do you resent me? What's next for you? Where do you see yourself going? Do you think less of me? Do you care? Can we go for a drive? Can we pretend we're 16 again? Are you really ok? Where is your head at? Do you miss it? Will you let me in? These are just the questions that came to mind, I'm sure there are others like "where you jealous? Why did you make it so damn difficult? Am I an easy target?" I could be here all night writing out questions, but you and I both know it will take me to a dark place and I'm not going to do that.

 I've missed you like you wouldn't believe and I just hope to god you and I can be as close as we were when we first became friends, I want to be so painfully honest with you and I hope to god you trust me enough to do the same, and that you want to let me back in. We've come along way but we still have so far to go.  

Together we can and will conquer everything life throws our way.

 I've got your back.

God, please help me.

If only I could meet someone new, someone to excite and inspire me. I crave an intellectual conversation, even any kind of a conversation. I'm desperate to confide in someone, to have someone that reignites my passion. I'm not saying someone to cheat with, I'm talking about someone who I can build a connection with that transcends sex and love. Maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I'm full of false hope. God help me become that person. Help me achieve my dream. Help me fill my life with secrets, desires, confessions and above all else Excitement. God help me be the person I really am, the person I want to get back to being. Otherwise chances are I'll be an alcoholic by the time I'm 21.

Confession.

Sometimes I drink to pretend that you don't exist. And it makes me happy.

secret.

Everyday I struggle with monogamy. To begin with it was easy, but now it's not. Now it's a constant struggle. Part of me hopes that you cheat so I'm not the bad guy. How messed up is that?! I don't always think that, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I wish I'd left when I was going too. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to take a break and reassess. I'm not sure that I'm still in love. And if this is love, if this is as good as it gets, count me out.

ahh the memories

"Walk.Of.Shame Well, I've certainly made a mess of things now haven't I?! Omg i feel soo sick im disgusted with myself. Every step of the walk home i shook, and felt worse and worse. Someone should shoot me NOW! Don't you hate when you know you shouldn't do something but you do it anyways then regret it afterwards... well thats how i am now. Never Again, I swear" - November 6 2007. Funny, I remember this night so well, I remember being sick to my stomach after this, yet I did it again, and again, and again. How Naive was I?

I'm reading my old blog from 2009, maybe even 2008. I often asked a lot of questions, wrote little quotes and the like and now it's time to answer these questions, comment on these quotes. Reflecting and reminiscing is a wonderful thing. <3 "I'm never going to forget certain people. Even though majority of these people are no longer a part of my life. I might not be the greatest person, but to these people I was at one point in time. I miss those days a lot. I miss those people a lot. " - These are some of the truest words I have ever spoken/written. All these people who have come and gone from my life, I will never ever forget. They all meant something at one point and it's sad that I mean nothing to them anymore. But this is life, it's a part of growing up. I still miss these people and I would love to sit down and chat to each and every one of them one last time. <3 "A few weeks back i faced a dilemma, an age old dilemma in fact. Follow my head or follow my heart? Well I followed my heart. When somebody walks out of your life and three years later they come back what are you going to do? I considered the pros and cons. I accepted the fact that I quite possibly could fall into old habits and end up hurt again, but whats life without risk? What if its different this time? I dont want to be left thinking "if only i had of tried again, if only i had of followed my heart" Call me crazy, but some people are worth it. If I get hurt again, its my fault, but i'm willing to take that chance and in jump head first." - I remember all too well this situation and I did follow my heart and once again I got hurt. It was my fault and guess what... I'd do it all again. I think I'll always hold a place in my heart for him, when people say his name I still smile. Now we didn't work out and he's getting married to someone else. But I'm happy too. And that's all we can ever ask for. <3 "Someone told me the other night that i can morally justify lying, which is true. Im a great liar, but what happens when we become so good at lying, that we start believing the lies we tell ourselves? It makes it harder to admit the turth to others, because even though we know the turth, we've lied so well that we get confused.." -I'm still a liar. And this has been even more relevant than ever. I wrestle with the truth every day. Sometimes I wonder if I'm believing a lie... There's more to come but right now The real world calls, dinner, laundry etc. If only I still lived in my world and not the real world.

secrets and truth

The truth comes at a cost. Is that price too high?

Do I really love you?

20.

The prospect of being broke at 20 does not excite me.

Questions.

I have dreams. I have hopes. But a part of me thinks I'll never fulfill my dreams, or even attempt them. I want to be a pastry chef. I want to work hard and be so damn proud of myself that no one else matters. Now there's the problem. There is someone who matters, there is someone who I have to think about, I can't be selfish, it make me wonder when I was last selfish. I know exactly when. When did being 20 become so damn hard? When did I start wanting more than I have? Am I greedy? Why am I so afraid? Would anyone else ever love me? Does he miss me? Is this how it's supposed to be? Where did that girl go? When did I stop caring? When did I start caring again? Why do I need him to back me up? To tell me I'm doing the right thing? What am I willing to give up? What am I willing to change? Is this who I want to be? Is this who I am? Was he right? Will I ever achieve anything more? Why are there so many questions? What am I going to do? Am I even going to do anything? Am I happy?

sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever meant anything at all to you, if all the chatter was just so you could get laid. Sometimes I wonder if you think about me, if you wonder what I'm doing. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I wonder if you loved me or perhaps if you didn't think of me as a human; merely a toy. Sometimes I regret the things I did, the things I said. Sometimes I wish I was 17 again. Sometimes you're all I think about. Sometimes I almost forget you even exist.