it's funny. It is. I finally understand the concept of self sabotage. I also understand why we do it. wow.
I don't know if I'm ever going to change, I don't. It's so easy to slip back into old habbits, to go back to whats familiar and comfortable. It's so easy. I'm not princess, I'm not I'm not even going to pretend to be. I've always been the rockstar type. I know this probably doesn't make sense as I can't sing or play any instrument whatsoever but I'm a rockstar.
29.12.10
19.12.10
sabotage.
self sabotage.
Sabotage according to google - "Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction"
I don't get why we sabotage ourselves. I understand trying to sabotage something or someone else but not ourselves. Yet here we are again and you're screwing it all up. You got what you wanted!! You got it all and there was no karma for your actions. You're never going to learn and I still don't see why you're doing this? One day you are going to grow up to be a very lonely old man.
It's funny this has come up again because tonight at dinner I was told "not to sabotage it" It the first time I have ever had someone say that to me. Self sabotage... it's such a bizarre thing it's messing with my mind a bit.
Sabotage according to google - "Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction"
I don't get why we sabotage ourselves. I understand trying to sabotage something or someone else but not ourselves. Yet here we are again and you're screwing it all up. You got what you wanted!! You got it all and there was no karma for your actions. You're never going to learn and I still don't see why you're doing this? One day you are going to grow up to be a very lonely old man.
It's funny this has come up again because tonight at dinner I was told "not to sabotage it" It the first time I have ever had someone say that to me. Self sabotage... it's such a bizarre thing it's messing with my mind a bit.
16.12.10
I am not superman.
I wish more than anything in the world that I knew the right words, that I could make all the pain and all the crap go away. I wish I was superman but I'm, I am so exhausted from trying.
It is so hard to be around negativity when I'm so happy and positive. I am in a good place and I wish all of you were too. I really really do but I can't fix everything for everyone as much as I want too.
So many of you are hurting and it breaks my heart but please try and look for the silver lining. The last thing I want is to walk away but I am not sure how much longer I can hang on.
It is so hard to be around negativity when I'm so happy and positive. I am in a good place and I wish all of you were too. I really really do but I can't fix everything for everyone as much as I want too.
So many of you are hurting and it breaks my heart but please try and look for the silver lining. The last thing I want is to walk away but I am not sure how much longer I can hang on.
grillz.
It still amazes me that I miss you. I seen her post, I know you were the one in the wrong and yet I still want to take your side, I still wait for the day you turn around and tell me you don't hate me and that yes, you miss me and you want to go back to being friends.
I know what it was liek with us, I was there, I lived it too and no you're not to blame but you're not the victim either. We were as bad as each other, there's no denying that. But despite all the bad, there was so so much good.
I miss the good times and there's nothing I wouldn't give to have one more chance to speak to you. There is so much we left unsaid. Do you deliberately forget to remember that I was your best friend and that it was me who was there.
Like I said I'm amazed that I miss you. I shouldn't but it's when I see that shit that I feel sorry for you and I want to help you. You need to get out of this black hole you're in and go back to being the boy that I knew and trusted with my life.
I should never have walked away.
I know what it was liek with us, I was there, I lived it too and no you're not to blame but you're not the victim either. We were as bad as each other, there's no denying that. But despite all the bad, there was so so much good.
I miss the good times and there's nothing I wouldn't give to have one more chance to speak to you. There is so much we left unsaid. Do you deliberately forget to remember that I was your best friend and that it was me who was there.
Like I said I'm amazed that I miss you. I shouldn't but it's when I see that shit that I feel sorry for you and I want to help you. You need to get out of this black hole you're in and go back to being the boy that I knew and trusted with my life.
I should never have walked away.
15.12.10
:D
"25 You're one of my closest friends, and it will take more then one status update for me to entirely express how i feel about you. We've had our ups and downs, but mainly the ups. You picking me up from random places, and getting in trouble from your mummy is the first of many memories that come to mind."
The numbers game on facebook, that's what this is all about but it made me smile and it made me so incredibly proud to call him my friend. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
I can't wait to see you x
The numbers game on facebook, that's what this is all about but it made me smile and it made me so incredibly proud to call him my friend. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
I can't wait to see you x
CBJ.
Once again it's December 15th. It's your birthday, your another year older and once again I can't be there for you. This year sucks more than usual because you're so close by and yet I still can't find you. I want you to know I still love you. I will always love you and I miss you every single day. I hope today is amazing and special and everything you want it to be.
10.12.10
Let sleeping angels lie part 3
09.06.2009
"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."
14.03.2010
"Well I really haven’t progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl
Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too."
So I know i've done a follow up to this blog but I've learnt a bit more since march. I honestly thought that I couldn't be bigger than my bad habits. And yeah, I did change a little bit. I was right though, the real reason I didn't change was because I hadn't wanted too. An addict cannot give up their addiction if they don't want too. If deep down you're not doing something for yourself then it's not going to work out.
But things are different now and I have changed and I'm liking it. It's so nice to be excited and happy again. I like going to sleep with a smile on my face. See the thing with change is everyone says it's not easy but it is. It has been so easy and refreshing. I am so incredibly lucky.
"We try so hard to change, but is it ever really possible? Can we permanently change or will we always slip back into old habits? I wanna know will I always be that girl? I've been trying so hard to be someone else, to not be her anymore and now who am I? I know who I was, but now I have no idea.. I tried so hard to be something, someone else that in the process I forgot to be someone, anyone. I'm reverting back to old ways, its blatently obvious, or to me it is anyways. for three years I've tried my hardest to not be her, but may thats just it. Maybe that who I am always going to be, as much as I hate her, that's just going to be me.."
14.03.2010
"Well I really haven’t progressed far. I wanted to change and I tried to change but unfortunately my bad habits, my old habits won out. I don't yet have the answer to these questions. I'd like to say yes we can change, hopefuly thats true but what I ddo know is that its quite easy to fall into old habits because you know them and you also know the results in advance. Change is scaring and changing you you are or a part of who you are is never going to be easy. I think I've changed a bit but at the same time I'm still that girl
Its a bit different this time around, and with everthing thats going on right now I'll probably be this way for a little while longer, but I dont know what I was so deperate to change back then, I'm more accepting of it now. I enjoy my lifestyle and maybe the real reason I havent changed yet is because deep down I don't really want too."
So I know i've done a follow up to this blog but I've learnt a bit more since march. I honestly thought that I couldn't be bigger than my bad habits. And yeah, I did change a little bit. I was right though, the real reason I didn't change was because I hadn't wanted too. An addict cannot give up their addiction if they don't want too. If deep down you're not doing something for yourself then it's not going to work out.
But things are different now and I have changed and I'm liking it. It's so nice to be excited and happy again. I like going to sleep with a smile on my face. See the thing with change is everyone says it's not easy but it is. It has been so easy and refreshing. I am so incredibly lucky.
7.12.10
It ends tonight.
I'm finding it hard to be the bigger person right now, and I'm trying as hard as I can.
If I tell you something, something that I haven't told other people, If I'm having a conversation with you and you only I do not expect you to go run your fucking mouth to everyone else. You are exactly like those girls that you bitch to me about. You are worse than them because at least I know they don't like me and they aren't fake.
I have done nothing but be here for you, despite EVERYTHING I was here. I gave you advice, I listened to you when you needed to vent. I've weathered all of your moods and this, this is how you choose to repay me.
This is is the reason that I don't keep alot of people in my life. Don't fuck with me because if paybacks not enough Karma will be.
If I tell you something, something that I haven't told other people, If I'm having a conversation with you and you only I do not expect you to go run your fucking mouth to everyone else. You are exactly like those girls that you bitch to me about. You are worse than them because at least I know they don't like me and they aren't fake.
I have done nothing but be here for you, despite EVERYTHING I was here. I gave you advice, I listened to you when you needed to vent. I've weathered all of your moods and this, this is how you choose to repay me.
This is is the reason that I don't keep alot of people in my life. Don't fuck with me because if paybacks not enough Karma will be.
3.12.10
___ ___ goose.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. It does not work like that regardless of what you think. If our roles were reversed you would see how hard you're making things for me right now. It's not fair and you are almost acting a bit like vegemite. Let me have this one, let me enjoy this journey and see where it goes. Stop making it hard for me to be happy.
I know you never seen this coming, let's be honest neither did I. You know me better than anyone else, you know what I'm like, the people in my life and the patterns I fall in to. My god you know the most random little things about me that no-one else would. This isn't about you though, it's about me. I know it sucks for you but seriously?
I want to make everything better for you, I don because I know things sort of suck right now but you eed to stop taking it out on me and you need to stop trying to get me to do the wrong thing. Please stop trying to break me because if you succeed I'm only going to resent you.
I know you never seen this coming, let's be honest neither did I. You know me better than anyone else, you know what I'm like, the people in my life and the patterns I fall in to. My god you know the most random little things about me that no-one else would. This isn't about you though, it's about me. I know it sucks for you but seriously?
I want to make everything better for you, I don because I know things sort of suck right now but you eed to stop taking it out on me and you need to stop trying to get me to do the wrong thing. Please stop trying to break me because if you succeed I'm only going to resent you.
2.12.10
yesterday.
Yesterday I had the most inspiring day. I went to melbourne for a planning forum with Squash Vic. Me being me I just said yes to going because I was asked, I had no idea what I was doing or what it was really about. I read up on it on the car ride and was a little daunted by it all to start with...
Without going into detail yesterday was hugely successful. But the best part was being inspired and learning so much. I even learnt a few things about myself. I have a new confidence and a growing interest in Event management/developement. My only problem is I now have a huge choice to make.
Without going into detail yesterday was hugely successful. But the best part was being inspired and learning so much. I even learnt a few things about myself. I have a new confidence and a growing interest in Event management/developement. My only problem is I now have a huge choice to make.
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