twenty oh nine.

This year Sucked.
I lost all passion for school, for sport, for work basically for life.
I became angry and nasty.
I fell into old patterns.
My best friend moved away.
All in All this year sucked and I'm pretty sure 2010 will be the same.

December 29th.

"That's how I like my sex, awkward and awesome" :)

Well pretty sure last night was great.

Temptaion 0 Emma 5.

Ok so I'm pretty much over christmas.
I made the choice to stop consuming alcohol, its a choice i made on my own, and its a desicion i intend to stick to, yet no-one and I mean no-one believes I can do it! Get off my fucking case and let me live my life the way i want to. Alcohol free! I got shot glasses AND a cocktail set for christmas.. what part of I'm not drinking alcohol anymore do these people not understand?

From the very first mouthful I can feel that crap consume my body, take over and impare my brain. I don't like the feeling, I don't like losing control. I hate when my words are slurred and run together, I hate not seeing clearly and feeling all giddy. To me alcohol is like a toxic substance that takes over. That's the part I hate.

My family is a family of drinkers. Walk in on christmas day half a bucket, not bottle but bucket of champagne punch is gone... I accept the fact that alcohol is a socialising agent in my household, but just because I accept it does not mean I condone it or that I understand it. It frustrates me that even my family has no faith in me, they all think I'm going to fail. Well it's not going to happen.

and you're still of the things I want in my life.

I happen to be very lonely.
I want someone in my life who occupies that space.
Material possessions just don't cut it.
I need someone to share the memories, to share the moments with.
I'm so fucking lonely.

Goodbye my lover.

I've officially accepted that this is once again where we part.
Our paths no longer cross
Just so you know, you're alway in my heart
I look at this as a huge loss
Maybe I'll have to wait another three years
To hear your beautiful voice
So I'll fight back my tears
And I'll live with your choice

R.I.P

My fish just died.
What a way to top off a SHIT day.
Excuse me while I have an {"emo" moment as shelby would call it.

Tell Me

where your head is at...

quickie.

Don't you hate when u have something cool to write down, lyrics, a cool thought or lines to a poem and you have no paper or anything else to write with then you can't remember the exact way it sounded...
that was me at 5:30am this morning damnit.

It was all because of this dream I had, it was awesome but so creepy too because it felt so real! I was sooooo dissappointed when I woke up. I have no idea how it was going to end either :(

It sucks that the only place I can see you is in my dreams.
Come back to me sooner rather than later.

I used to be lovedrunk.

I've quit drinking.
Now I know you're probably thinking oh yeah sure...
Saturday night I drank far too much and I realised I hate it. I hate how I feel when I take the first sip. Its not the day after, it's not the hangover, it's the feeling of alcohol in my body. It's like poison.
So I packed up my stash and gave it to my friend. I'm going to last, just like when i've given up alot of my other vices. Yes I slip up occasionally and I guess it'll be the same as this, but I plan on making this last.
I wish there was no alcohol to be honest, I don't understand it... what is the point?

I feel good about my new decision. I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it and I'm not going to change for other people. Clean and sober, early mornings early nights, working hard working lots. This is how I choose to live.

So the hsc is over right, I don't understand how my friends can sit around and do nothing, they aren't working, they aren't looking for jobs, they are just doing nothing... how can you waste your life like that? Go and achieve something before it's too late.

continuation.

this is a continuation.
There is a hole in my heart, I believe there will be forever.
No person, no thing could ever replace the piece that is missing.

<


Before you continue any further, or hit the back button if thats what you prefer I should mention that the missing piece is my little brother who is no longer apart of my life. He is not dead, but he may as well be. Not a single day passes where I don't miss him. I hope to god that he is ok, that he is happy and healthy.. but most of all I hope to god he hasn't fogotten me.

there's a hole in my heart.

Happy Birthday Cody.
You'll be 11 today.
I miss you little brother.

although i won't admit it, i miss you.

"If luck is on my side tonight
My clumsy tongue will make it right
And wrists that touch
It isn't much, but it's enough
To form imaginary lines
Forget your scars
We'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh, God, please make this last"

if only you'd come back right now.

one more time. one more night.
you know that I AM right.
the electricity jumps from me to you
a wall, no one can break through.
she's there, I know so
how long til you let her go?
You know she doesnt quite fit..
and she's never quite content to just sit
and when nights falls
how does she feel about our secret phone calls?
From what I hear
you're falling into a pattern my dear..
we're a similar height,
we both have poor eyesight
come to think of it,
you ex was like that too a bit...
so when this one goes
turn on your pretty toes
and run straight back
we'll down a six-pack
fall into your bed
while all thoughts of her drain from you head.

look how far we've come. when I say we you know I mean me.

When I started this blog it was 2007. (that means technically i've been blogging longer than Judd!) That wasn't my point though. So basically when I started re-blogging I was faced with a choice, to delete or not to delete the previous blogs I had posted. Keep in mind I was merely 14 years old when I wrote those and yes I cringe every single time I re read them but I decided to leave them up there for a reason. Its to show just how far I have come. Its a personal journey, one that needs no praise nor comment. Back then was a crazy time for me, I was dealing with alot of things I probably didnt need to be dealing with.

Thats was january 2007, its now december 2009 so basically 3 full years have passed, and I like to think I've grown up a fair bit in that time (obviously not height wise..) But Its a nice little reminder, those old blogs.. of just how far I've come.

I know I make reference in my blogs to my past or certain events that happened in my past, I suppose I should dedicate an entire blog to different defining moments of the last 17 years, but each time I sit down and attempt to write, i cannot articulate the emotions and the impacts.
Maybe one day I'll find the right words

i think i'm everything you hate.

But I don't care.
I am not here to be loved by everyone.
You know its funny.. hate that is...
Hate is such a passionate emotion, it's right up there with love. There is a reason they are opposites, they are equal on the opposite ends of the scale. it's like day and night.
anyways thats not the pont I was trying to make.
It's funny how one person can hate everything about you, especially when three years ago they loved everything about you. Its a full 180 so to speak.
How does one harbour such hatred for such a long time? How does that emotion not waver, or subside after time, and if love is the equal opposite to hate can the same thing be said for love?
Can you fall in love with someone and still years later love them, not be "in love" with them, but still hold a place for them in your heart?

Its like a bond if you like, like an undeniable attraction and chemistry. If you can go years apart and then suddenly be so instantly drawn back to this one person is that what you call or class as love?
Its a funny thing, this chemistry that exists between people...
It's like time stopped, and yes I know we moved off course and headed in different paths, but when they crossed again it was like nothing changed...
Its a bizarre concept, and a comfort too. To know that even after everything that went wrong, all the hurt, and all the time away from one another that upon returning it was like those three years didn't mean a thing, didn't change a thing.

Well I got a bit off track from what I was orginally going to say, but oh well that's life I suppose. At some point you're going to go off track. If you had of asked me when I was 12 where I was going with my life, which direction I was headed I would never have said I'd be here now. When 14 My answer would be entirely Wdifferent to when I was 12, and Now as well, that was a scary time though and I'm so glad I didn't follow the path i'd chosen. I don't like the path I'm walking down right now, but who knows where it will lead.. in the past I've always landed somewhere interesting. Here's hoping history repeats itself this time.

Peace, Love and all that Jazz baby.
xx

superman.

Right now I'm helping a friend write her english story and she said to me "how did yu think of all that" which kinda made me think, how did I think of all that? Well I suppose I can write, but my stories were never good enough at schoool, maybe I needed someone to start me off. My stories can be somewhat off putting because I dont like to focus on the positive, it's not what I know and it's not what I believe to an extent.

I guess for me writing is an escape. I create personas in my head, other characters too, but mainly different versions of me, they all have a different story though. I also think of outcomes too, if someone had said this then this would hav happened ect. I think I live in my head too much. But music helps too, it gives you a character which you can then finish there story, like for example KODY- By Matchbox twenty... "Kody sists down on the avenue and taps his feet to the humming of the highway..." from there Kody could be anyone or anything

I don't know, I guess everyone has to have a hobby, you can call me crazy if you like but story have always been my escape. When I couldnt run, i read. I still read especially when I hate where my head is at. Books are my superman.

Christmas.

So it must be christmas time. The amount of alcohol and food at my house is crazy. My family go a bit over the top when it comes to christmas. I hate Christmas as I never get what I want.

I MISS YOU.

This will be the fourth christmas I'll miss, another year has passed and I probably won't even recognise you anymore. Another present you won't get, another smile I won't see, another Hug we won't share. More toys you won't get to show me, and new dvd's we won't watch together over and over again. I hate her for leaving, but I hate her more for keeping you from me.
I think about you everyday, I miss you everyday.
I love you always and forever.

living.

I live for the times where silence speaks louder than any words.
I live for the in jokes, for the memories, for the smiles and the laughter.
I live for the lame movies to make fun of.
I live for the nights together, for the entwined feet.
I live for the comfortableness I feel when I'm with those who mean most.

December 1st 2009

was amazing.
I had an awesome time, doing things I love, with someone who means a hell of a lot to me. :):):)