twenty oh nine.

This year Sucked.
I lost all passion for school, for sport, for work basically for life.
I became angry and nasty.
I fell into old patterns.
My best friend moved away.
All in All this year sucked and I'm pretty sure 2010 will be the same.

December 29th.

"That's how I like my sex, awkward and awesome" :)

Well pretty sure last night was great.

Temptaion 0 Emma 5.

Ok so I'm pretty much over christmas.
I made the choice to stop consuming alcohol, its a choice i made on my own, and its a desicion i intend to stick to, yet no-one and I mean no-one believes I can do it! Get off my fucking case and let me live my life the way i want to. Alcohol free! I got shot glasses AND a cocktail set for christmas.. what part of I'm not drinking alcohol anymore do these people not understand?

From the very first mouthful I can feel that crap consume my body, take over and impare my brain. I don't like the feeling, I don't like losing control. I hate when my words are slurred and run together, I hate not seeing clearly and feeling all giddy. To me alcohol is like a toxic substance that takes over. That's the part I hate.

My family is a family of drinkers. Walk in on christmas day half a bucket, not bottle but bucket of champagne punch is gone... I accept the fact that alcohol is a socialising agent in my household, but just because I accept it does not mean I condone it or that I understand it. It frustrates me that even my family has no faith in me, they all think I'm going to fail. Well it's not going to happen.

and you're still of the things I want in my life.

I happen to be very lonely.
I want someone in my life who occupies that space.
Material possessions just don't cut it.
I need someone to share the memories, to share the moments with.
I'm so fucking lonely.

Goodbye my lover.

I've officially accepted that this is once again where we part.
Our paths no longer cross
Just so you know, you're alway in my heart
I look at this as a huge loss
Maybe I'll have to wait another three years
To hear your beautiful voice
So I'll fight back my tears
And I'll live with your choice

R.I.P

My fish just died.
What a way to top off a SHIT day.
Excuse me while I have an {"emo" moment as shelby would call it.

Tell Me

where your head is at...

quickie.

Don't you hate when u have something cool to write down, lyrics, a cool thought or lines to a poem and you have no paper or anything else to write with then you can't remember the exact way it sounded...
that was me at 5:30am this morning damnit.

It was all because of this dream I had, it was awesome but so creepy too because it felt so real! I was sooooo dissappointed when I woke up. I have no idea how it was going to end either :(

It sucks that the only place I can see you is in my dreams.
Come back to me sooner rather than later.

I used to be lovedrunk.

I've quit drinking.
Now I know you're probably thinking oh yeah sure...
Saturday night I drank far too much and I realised I hate it. I hate how I feel when I take the first sip. Its not the day after, it's not the hangover, it's the feeling of alcohol in my body. It's like poison.
So I packed up my stash and gave it to my friend. I'm going to last, just like when i've given up alot of my other vices. Yes I slip up occasionally and I guess it'll be the same as this, but I plan on making this last.
I wish there was no alcohol to be honest, I don't understand it... what is the point?

I feel good about my new decision. I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it and I'm not going to change for other people. Clean and sober, early mornings early nights, working hard working lots. This is how I choose to live.

So the hsc is over right, I don't understand how my friends can sit around and do nothing, they aren't working, they aren't looking for jobs, they are just doing nothing... how can you waste your life like that? Go and achieve something before it's too late.

continuation.

this is a continuation.
There is a hole in my heart, I believe there will be forever.
No person, no thing could ever replace the piece that is missing.

<


Before you continue any further, or hit the back button if thats what you prefer I should mention that the missing piece is my little brother who is no longer apart of my life. He is not dead, but he may as well be. Not a single day passes where I don't miss him. I hope to god that he is ok, that he is happy and healthy.. but most of all I hope to god he hasn't fogotten me.

there's a hole in my heart.

Happy Birthday Cody.
You'll be 11 today.
I miss you little brother.

although i won't admit it, i miss you.

"If luck is on my side tonight
My clumsy tongue will make it right
And wrists that touch
It isn't much, but it's enough
To form imaginary lines
Forget your scars
We'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh, God, please make this last"

if only you'd come back right now.

one more time. one more night.
you know that I AM right.
the electricity jumps from me to you
a wall, no one can break through.
she's there, I know so
how long til you let her go?
You know she doesnt quite fit..
and she's never quite content to just sit
and when nights falls
how does she feel about our secret phone calls?
From what I hear
you're falling into a pattern my dear..
we're a similar height,
we both have poor eyesight
come to think of it,
you ex was like that too a bit...
so when this one goes
turn on your pretty toes
and run straight back
we'll down a six-pack
fall into your bed
while all thoughts of her drain from you head.

look how far we've come. when I say we you know I mean me.

When I started this blog it was 2007. (that means technically i've been blogging longer than Judd!) That wasn't my point though. So basically when I started re-blogging I was faced with a choice, to delete or not to delete the previous blogs I had posted. Keep in mind I was merely 14 years old when I wrote those and yes I cringe every single time I re read them but I decided to leave them up there for a reason. Its to show just how far I have come. Its a personal journey, one that needs no praise nor comment. Back then was a crazy time for me, I was dealing with alot of things I probably didnt need to be dealing with.

Thats was january 2007, its now december 2009 so basically 3 full years have passed, and I like to think I've grown up a fair bit in that time (obviously not height wise..) But Its a nice little reminder, those old blogs.. of just how far I've come.

I know I make reference in my blogs to my past or certain events that happened in my past, I suppose I should dedicate an entire blog to different defining moments of the last 17 years, but each time I sit down and attempt to write, i cannot articulate the emotions and the impacts.
Maybe one day I'll find the right words

i think i'm everything you hate.

But I don't care.
I am not here to be loved by everyone.
You know its funny.. hate that is...
Hate is such a passionate emotion, it's right up there with love. There is a reason they are opposites, they are equal on the opposite ends of the scale. it's like day and night.
anyways thats not the pont I was trying to make.
It's funny how one person can hate everything about you, especially when three years ago they loved everything about you. Its a full 180 so to speak.
How does one harbour such hatred for such a long time? How does that emotion not waver, or subside after time, and if love is the equal opposite to hate can the same thing be said for love?
Can you fall in love with someone and still years later love them, not be "in love" with them, but still hold a place for them in your heart?

Its like a bond if you like, like an undeniable attraction and chemistry. If you can go years apart and then suddenly be so instantly drawn back to this one person is that what you call or class as love?
Its a funny thing, this chemistry that exists between people...
It's like time stopped, and yes I know we moved off course and headed in different paths, but when they crossed again it was like nothing changed...
Its a bizarre concept, and a comfort too. To know that even after everything that went wrong, all the hurt, and all the time away from one another that upon returning it was like those three years didn't mean a thing, didn't change a thing.

Well I got a bit off track from what I was orginally going to say, but oh well that's life I suppose. At some point you're going to go off track. If you had of asked me when I was 12 where I was going with my life, which direction I was headed I would never have said I'd be here now. When 14 My answer would be entirely Wdifferent to when I was 12, and Now as well, that was a scary time though and I'm so glad I didn't follow the path i'd chosen. I don't like the path I'm walking down right now, but who knows where it will lead.. in the past I've always landed somewhere interesting. Here's hoping history repeats itself this time.

Peace, Love and all that Jazz baby.
xx

superman.

Right now I'm helping a friend write her english story and she said to me "how did yu think of all that" which kinda made me think, how did I think of all that? Well I suppose I can write, but my stories were never good enough at schoool, maybe I needed someone to start me off. My stories can be somewhat off putting because I dont like to focus on the positive, it's not what I know and it's not what I believe to an extent.

I guess for me writing is an escape. I create personas in my head, other characters too, but mainly different versions of me, they all have a different story though. I also think of outcomes too, if someone had said this then this would hav happened ect. I think I live in my head too much. But music helps too, it gives you a character which you can then finish there story, like for example KODY- By Matchbox twenty... "Kody sists down on the avenue and taps his feet to the humming of the highway..." from there Kody could be anyone or anything

I don't know, I guess everyone has to have a hobby, you can call me crazy if you like but story have always been my escape. When I couldnt run, i read. I still read especially when I hate where my head is at. Books are my superman.

Christmas.

So it must be christmas time. The amount of alcohol and food at my house is crazy. My family go a bit over the top when it comes to christmas. I hate Christmas as I never get what I want.

I MISS YOU.

This will be the fourth christmas I'll miss, another year has passed and I probably won't even recognise you anymore. Another present you won't get, another smile I won't see, another Hug we won't share. More toys you won't get to show me, and new dvd's we won't watch together over and over again. I hate her for leaving, but I hate her more for keeping you from me.
I think about you everyday, I miss you everyday.
I love you always and forever.

living.

I live for the times where silence speaks louder than any words.
I live for the in jokes, for the memories, for the smiles and the laughter.
I live for the lame movies to make fun of.
I live for the nights together, for the entwined feet.
I live for the comfortableness I feel when I'm with those who mean most.

December 1st 2009

was amazing.
I had an awesome time, doing things I love, with someone who means a hell of a lot to me. :):):)

Hey Jealousy.

Come back to me when you're done with her.

Mind Games

So I was reading Judds blog and sort of landed on a thought, or a topic of sorts
Mind games..
At some point we've all played them.
So those who have played anothers game I have a thought for you..
Ever played for the sake of playing? With no intention of winning...
I Can't articulate exactly what I mean by this, and yes I have tried many a time, it really only makes sense in my mind so I'm asking for someone else to help explain what I mean.

When your playing not to win, not to play for an end, but just to play for the sake of playing, playing to keep to game going.. To me this isn't a wrong reason, just not a "normal" reason

I was trying to explain to someone why after 2 nearly 3 years I'm still playing the game, Still so intoxicated by the game and they didn't understand... It's not about winning, or being superior. It's not about being the best or about beating someone else. It's not about tearing other people down or destroying someone else.

Maybe its about self discovery, possibly self destruction, but it's addictive and exhilerating. Especially when you play with someone who doesn't always think in the box.

Using your brain, thinking beyond the obvious. That's my poison.

"...I tried to save him, I truly did. But when we both started to drown I had to save myself. I had a choice, I could sink or I could swim.. Swimming wasn't easy, but sinking would have been harder to do. It would have taken alot more effort to sink, than it did to swim. Not a day goes by that I don't regret my choice. I saved myself, but I couldn't save him. Swimming meant letting go, of everything, and everyone I knew. He was a good kid when I met him. He was everything to me, but I had to save myself, I just had to save myself..."

Sinking always seems like the easier option, you just let go and fall away. No effort, no fight... but what if swimming meant letting go and sinking meant holding on? Sometimes life throws you a challenge, a choice if you like.. for instance to sink or to swim. In a black and whitw world that would be the difference between living and dying, letting go and holding on... But then again sometimes black becomes white and vice versa... I wanted to sink, to fight like hell along side you and sink right down with you, but I let go. I swam and it was easier to swim than it was to sink.

Everyday I regret that.
I wish I could have saved you too, or died along with you.

The girl you'll never forget.

Your girlfriends asleep in your bed,
Thoughts of you fill her head..
Outside you go,
I bet she doesn't know
That you have your phone
And that she's all alone
As you take a drag on your cigarette
And call the girl you'll never forget


I lie in my bed,
Wishing I was her instead.
Alone and in the dark, it's you I long to see
Whilst I think "How lucky is she"
And suddenly there is a bright light
One that gives me such a fright
Its exactly 12:59
When I hear your voice on the other end of the line..



Maybe I'll add more to this one day.
But for now I don't know what more I can say.

tell me why,

Mistakes, We all make them.
And sure we like to tell ourselves that we learn from them, so why do we repaeat the same mistakes twice? Why do we get ourselves into situations that we know are only going to hurt us?
especially when it comes to affairs of the heart...
Once bitten forever smitten? I surely hope not
You see situation is I mad a big mistake.
Im not paying for it.
And I know given the chance I will go and make that same mistake again, and again and again.
So someone tell me why.

I was fucking your boyfriend

when you first started dating...

well I was,
not that he told me that
sorry love.


TOY.
Those words we leave unspoken,
Uncomfortable memories re-awoken.
3 years gone on by
And still you lie.
Again we start,
Only too soon we part.
5 months feels like 5 years...
What’s another thousand tears?
Once bitten twice shy...
Or a love that won’t die?
Silly girl, Silly boy
Should have known I was just a toy.

My "biblical" Creation.

Last night Mother dearest thought she would be funny by giving me a bible exhert to read that the local church put in our letter box.
About 10 minutes later I came out of my room and showed her exactly what I thought of the bible passage booklet. :).



Which gave me a brilliant idea. I am currently making mini christmas trees out of magazines. This here is one partially done that i started approximately 7 minutes ago. Wont take long, then to spray paint it and to glue tinsel to it.

Im not big on present and celebrating, but I must say I do love christmas.

If the world ended tomorrow.

So with all these exams happening and what not I've been thinking (well obviously emma.) But some people spent the last two weeks, before exams studying like crazy. eating, sleeping, and studying. I know of people studying 8hrs a day.. thats sheer insanity. What if tomorrow the world ended? befor eyou could finish your exams, before you find out the results... what would you say? would you honestly be able to say you lived your life to the fullest? would you regret those last 2 weeks if you realised they didnt matter?

You could lose your life at any given moment of any given day, and I certainly wouldnt want to have wasted 2 weeks on something that in the end didnt matter.. They have pathways to uni for a reason. So while you studied your ass off for two weeks, I lived. I did things that made me happy, I spent time with and admittedly said goodbye to amazing people. I could die today and be happy with my life, with what i've achieved and the obstacles I've over come. I've been to amazing places, met some incredible people, done stupid and awesome things. If you were to die today could you say the same?

HSC/ education system rant.

Tomorrow I am supposed to sit in an exam room with 100+ other people and write about crap. I don't get the HSC,It can be somewhat hypocritical, they are force feeding us the opinions of some bozo who is sitting behind a desk eating doughnuts all day. I don't agree with the syllabus so how the hell am I supposed to write to the best of my ability on a subject that I don't believe in? If I don't believe the shit I am writing of course my essay is going to be bad, theres no heart!

I don't need to belong, people don't need to belong. We are not Lions who belong to a pack in order to survive, Jeez Hermits live isolated from others and still survive fine, they may even be better off than us who are still surrounded by other people. Rejection is human nature, we reject the unfamiliar, its instinct not vindictiveness...

Somneone tell me why this is relevant anyway? Why can't we be given a broad topic and write about that? Something we believe passionately in, something we are going to whole heartedly attempt to the best of our abilities.. Its sheer ridiculousness. And the fact we can't write a poem and or song lyrics as our creative task is pathetic. If I can write a 10 page poem, I'm sure others can.. Isn't this supposed to be about us performing to our full potential? Personally I think the system is out to get us, intentionally out to shut us down, break us.

In a subject like english, which is cumpolsary there should be more freedom. Some of the topics we studied just baffel me. Take for instance "distinctly visual" judging by the title you would think we are supposed to concentrate on visual elements of a text, whether it be the imagery the words create, the props used in a play, the film techniques and camera angles in a movie... but No, thats just a minor part of it, we are supposed to focus on the themes. Well Bored of Studies I say FUCK YOU and ram your stupid english syllabus up your ass.

I DON’T believe in.

I’m often asked what I believe in. I can’t answer that question anymore. However I can tell you some things I DON’T believe in.

I DON’T believe in God.
I DON’T believe in Marriage.
I DON’T believe in Forever.


I DO believe that everybody leaves.

Regardless who they are, what they mean to you or what they say. In the end they will not be there. Friends and Family included. Every single person in your life will leave you behind at some point. Your paths may cross for a while but then they veer away from each other. That’s just life baby.


I DO believe that our experiences are what make and break us.

Every person is an individual who is affected in a different way by an event. Especially a traumatic one. It’s these events in our lives that determine the kind of person we are. You could give up, sink and refuse to even try and survive OR you could be strong and fight like hell to save yourself. No one is magically going to save you. You have to believe enough in yourself to fight, to survive. Resilience.

Arkham Asylum Psychological Evaluation.

So on facebook just being bored I did a random quiz.
The Arkham Asylum Psychological Evaluation. Now this quizzes are usually a load of crap, unfortunately this one pretty much nailed me.
This is what it said

"You are Black Mask. Spiritual and fatalistic, your beliefs, dreams and emotions guide your ambitions. You are cynical and trust very few because you believe superficiality runs the world. This does not prevent you from being superficial to attain your goals. Your mission is to expose the ugliness of attractive people and mar their beauty. When you are angry, you humiliate your enemies in the most merciless way possible and let them destroy themselves through their own shame. Though your life for the most part has been fairly normal, it is marked by a string of significant setbacks harsh enough to force you to completely reinvent yourself as a more socially magnanimous person, but this is merely a facade. You don't know how to be true to yourself and your life is marked by self-hatred, envy, and a constant quest to find yourself. Yet your intelligence and insight, combined with your legendary vindictiveness, is remarkable enough to reach anyone who has wronged you and hurt them very, very badly. Some say you can see the future. Perhaps you can.

"I have no delusions of divinity. We are men, not gods. Man is his own god, his own devil, his own death--we are created in our own image, yet imprisoned by the face we call our own. I will remake the world as I have remade my face, so that they may confront their ugliness and find for themselves what is beautiful." ~Black Mask "

Fight

Ok, So I just finished reading pretty much all of Judds blogs...
One in particular got me.
When you hit a low point in your life, only you can save your self, no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. "God" is not magically going to come and save you. You have to save yourself, You have to fight like hell and not take the easy way out. Your problems wont go away unless your ready to make them go away. Countless times people told me to stop, asked me to stop, begged me to stop. I always said I would, But each and everytime I lied. I didn't want to stop, so I couldn't physicaly stop. It wasn't until one day when I woke up and decided I was going to stop that I actually did stop. Sure It's hard, and its an uphill battle alot of the time, I tripped, stumbled and fell on numerous occasions and each time I stuggled to get back up, But I did it and yes I had some help, but for the most part I did it alone.

Before I go any further, do not think that for one second this is for sympathy or anything like that. I'm backing up my statements and beliefs with personal experience.

People suffer all the time. People deal with so many different things, what makes a person great is their resilience. If you fight like hell and manage to survive, I salute you.