I can't keep your voice out of my head
All I can hear are many echoes of
The darkest words you said
And it's driving me crazy

Somedays are definitely harder than others. I'm trying very hard to like who I am and where I am, but today I'm struggling.

oh three hundred

I used to live in my own world, and those around me.. they just lived in it. It's not that I was self centered, I simply had my own world. Complications, my world was full of complications that some may mistake for dramas. Honestly it was at times unbelievable and borderline ridiculous. I wonder when it was that I stopped living in my world and joined the real world? At what precise moment did my world cease to exist anymore?

I always believed that my life was my life, that was the hand I was dealt and I lived accordingly. I guess I was wrong in so many ways. I went from 19 to 40 in a matter of months and I can't believe I never noticed it. I guess that's why I never noticed that my world was gone, the people, the places, all of it just vanished.

I noticed this last night. I live a life of complete simplicity (not in a literal, Amish kind of sense...) but there is no complications anymore.

I'm not saying life is bad now, it's just different, very different.

whatcha gunna do when the whiskey don't work?

Loneliness is a funny thing. It consumes you when you least expect it, surrounded by so many yet I feel like I have no one to turn too. It's bizarre. I'm in a relationship, I'm in love. It goes against everything i'd convinced myself that I believed in. I used to think Life was complicated but funnily enough it was that complication that made life simple. Whoever said complication was a bad thing is sorely mistaken.

I guess before I go any further I should say or repeat one thing. I'm in love, and I am incredibly lucky.

Tonight, I feel like I don't know where to stand, what to say, where to go or what to do. Before monogamy, I always knew my place, I knew what to say, when to say it and I always knew exactly what to do. I knew what not to say, and I knew how to not hurt or antagonise people. But I never had to walk on eggshells, I could say anything and have a conversation where I didn't have to watch what I was saying because I wasn't in love. Lust is a very different thing.

all about me. part 2.

Everynow and then I go back over my blogs, I reflect on the time that has passed, I comment on the original post. I enjoy this, I think it shows how much I have grown.

30.1.10
all about me.
I'm not a partier. I'm not a people person. I swear, I drink, I'm rude and sppeak whats on my mind. I can be inappropriate and I know how to play people. I get what I want. I'm full of myself, I'm loud and I often don't care who hears what I say. I'm a dreamer and I live in my head. I have good days and I have bad days. I hate myself and love myself. I enjoy sex. I'm reckless and I don't date. I don't believe in marriage but I do believe in karma. I've smoked cigarettes and I even tried pot. I drive a corolla, which I didn't pay for. My spending habits are HUGE. I'm indulgent. I get mad then get nasty. I can be malicious and vindictive. I get in your head and under your skin. I text too much and don't call enough. I work too hard and play too little. I fly away, I drive away, I walk away. I'm frustrated at myself. I'm tired and constantly sleeping. My best friend is about to move away for 6 months and my other cloeset friend left last novemeber. I'm lonely. These are just some of the many flaws and faults taht are apart of me and who I am. If you can't accept my the negatives you don't deserve to know the positives.

Here is an undate. as of today 16.05.11

I’m still not a partier. I'm still not a people person. However I have learnt to deal with people. I swear, I don’t drink much anymore, People still call me rude, I just call it as I see it, if it’s on my mind then it’s going to be said. I can be inappropriate and I know how to play people although I try not to anymore. I used to get what I want, now I’m struggling. I'm full of myself, I am loud and I don't care who hears what I say. My dreams scare me. I have good days and I have bad days. I hate myself and love myself and now have someone who loves me. I enjoy sex but I’m no longer reckless, it’s no longer a game and I have settled down. I still don’t know how I feel about marriage but I do believe in karma. I've smoked cigarettes but I no longer smoke. I drive a corolla, which I didn't pay for and have crashed a few times. My spending habits are pitiful as I no longer have money. I'm not indulgent because I can’t afford to be, otherwise I would be. I get mad then get nasty. I can be malicious and vindictive. I get in your head and under your skin. I barely stay in contact with anyone at all anymore. I guess I’m ashamed and possibly embarrassed. I want to work more and play very little. I want to fly away and go on an adventure, I don’t go driving like I used to because I hurt someone who meant a lot to me and we spend no time together anymore. I'm frustrated at myself I also feel like a failure. I'm tired and constantly sleeping. My best friend is about to go on an adventure of a lifetime in a matter of months and my other closest friend left in 2009. I'm in love. These are just some of the many flaws and faults that are a part of me and who I am. If you can't accept my the negatives you don't deserve to know the positives

oh how the mighty have fallen.

you told me a job's a job and I have to take it. I have never wanted out more than I did in that moment. I understand a job is a job, but I have a job. Yes it pays shit and yes often I get frustrated with it and yes I understand that you're the one I talk to about it and complain about it but you clearly don't know me very well, if you can stand there and say that to me.

I feel like I've failed and to me it seems like you don't even care. I've lost so much already, and now I feel like I'm going backwards constantly. I'm not 15 years old, but thats exactly how I feel right now.

I'm not a hero, nor am I a princess.
I'm merely human
Here I am
Flaws and all.
Mistakes a plenty.

:)

It's still new to me. This whole missing you when you're not here with me thing. It kind of scares me that I love you that much.

030411

Today has not been a good day.

Smiles.

So I just realised I've been blogging about the same thing recently, I guess because it's on my mind and it's upsetting me a bit but I have some positive things to report. I have a truly amazing boyfriend who I am so lucky and blessed to have. He is incredible.

I never thought I'd fall in love this way. I also never seen myself settling down and being less crazy. My life still has its crazy elements to it but not like before and I am suprisingly ok with that. Change is a good thing when you embrace it and it's not forced upon you. It can be so healthy and refreshing. I'd also like to think that my happiness gives other hope. If I can find someone who is crazy enough to love a nutter like me then there is hope for you all :)

Hope it's nice where you are.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are


I never imagined that we'd get here, to a place so dark so cold and so lonely. I would never have thought that you could break my heart with just one look. And never in a million years did I believe that you would make me cry each time I look at you.

I told you my secrets, my hopes, my dreams and my demons too.
I was there and I cared. When we were together time seemed to stop. My little corolla like a capsual, spared from time. Escaped from reality.

I know I never loved you, and you swore black and blue that you didn't love me too. So riddle me this, why can't you look me in the eyes? Why do you ignore my presence and which one of us tells your mother than I won't be around anymore?

You were my best friend, my confidant, my rock and my world all in one. I'd drive three hours to see you, to talk to you because you were my friend, nothing more... nothing less...

So tell me, how'd we become such a god damn mess?

Your picture sat on my dresser, It took pride and place. He'd push it over, so he didn't have to be reminded that you were number 1, He'd look at that picture of us, he'd think of that night and it took all his strength not to destroy it all together.

He hated you, and I think he partially hated me too. And I was never in love with you. Those feelings? Friendship, Trust, Admiration. Nothing more...Nothing Less.

symphony

"And I'd wish the sun would never come
It's 4 AM and you are gone
I hope you know you're letting go
It's 4 AM and I'm alone"


I am not superman and I cannot fight alone, but now I'm questioning should I fight at all when you won't? Is it worth fighting for?

and the duck speeds off in a silver light

"It's too late to do anything now"
Those are the words I didn't want to hear. I never meant to hurt anyone. This was all supposed to be fun and games, easy and clear cut and now it's a mess. Of course it's a mess. God we were so naive and now, now you can't even look at me. I can't believe we got here. I feel very much to blame but You're the one who wanted this and now I'm the bad guy. They say ignorance is bliss but it's not. You can't sit here and tell me that this is not hurting you! That you're not upset or angry. Every time I see you and you refuse to look at me, you barely speak to me it breaks my heart because above all we are supposed to be friend! I am supposed to be able to talk to you and share things with you. Trust you and confide in you, not feel guilty and want to cry. It's doing my head in, It really is. Can we not just be friends again?

It gets better.

Suicide is a weak option. Suicide is for those who don't want to fight. I know somedays it feels like it's not worth fighting. I also know what it's like to be in that dark terrible place. The other thing I know is that despite everything and despite all the shit is that Life Gets Better. If you're willing to fight with all the strength you have left life will get better. I'm not saying it'll be straight away nor will it be easy but it's worth it in the end.

Life down right sucks some days it truly does. But it gets better. Such a young age and such a waste. I have no sympathy for those who choose to end their life. I've been called a hypocrit but I'd like to point out that I am alive and kicking.

I'm sorry that I offended people I truly am. I know you're all suffering and this is exactly why I have no sympathy for those who choose to do such a thing.

oh piano man there's a duck in the room.

so I haven't blogged in a while.
Some big things have happened over the past few months. For one I have a boyfriend. He is amazing.

I guess I haven't blogged for one reason and one reason only. Before I didn't care. I didn't have to care but now, now I do. And i'm trying to be careful with my words and my thoughts.

But I have a few things that need to be said.

-- I can't do this anymore, I can't stand the silence, tonight we barely spoke 10 words to one another, and yes.. i've noticed that you can't look at me anymore and it breaks my heart because i trusted you with everything, my secrets, my thoughts, my dreams and my mistakes and you can't even look at me. Am I a bad person? Are you hurting? Are you jealous? I just want an answer, I want the truth. Yes. Things changed, they did but I'm happy now, can't you be happy for me?

-- I miss you. I have a thousand things I could say to you but that's the most important. I miss the good old days. I miss 4am chats, I miss knowing everything that was going on and I miss my best friend. You used to know me better than I know my self and these days I feel like we're complete strangers.

I have nothing left to say.

I haven't blogged in a while because I really haven't had and still don't have anything to say. I guess I'm being alot more careful with my thoughts these days. It's funny really, I can't believe one person has such an impact that I'm too self conscious to write.

I know what I want to write. But I won't.

quack.

I'm disgusted by your behaviour the other night. You're 18 years old not 2. You're supposed to be my friend and be supportive and be happy for me. But this isn't the case. I don't understand I don't. Grow up because I can't do this forever, I'm not going to go out of my way to try and please you and to try and make you happy. I won't do it.

fuck you emma.

I need to hear everything you never got the chance to say to me. The good the bad and the down right ugly. I need to hear you get angry with me and I need to understand why we are the way we are. I hurt you and that is my biggest regret it truly is. I blame myself and only myself. For so much more than you could ever imagine. You have bottled so much up for years please use this opportunity to yell and scream and shout and get it all off your chest. I want you to feel better.

Grillin at the bank.

Hate. It's such a strong emotion. It's the equal opposite to love. I understand why you hate me, I do but if you hate me so much why do you still wear my number?

I seen you standing there,
I felt your cold hard stare.
If looks could kill
Out my brains would spill
My hair stood on end.
Funny feeling to get from a one time friend.
Your lips pursed
Hard to remember your wounds I nursed?
If you hate me so
Why is it so hard to let go?
My number, Bang, Smack
Sitting pretty in the center of your back.
You'll never forgive
As long as we both shall live.
You'll never forget.
But you will always regret.

Stephen King

Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside us & sometimes they win.

sometimes they win. When they win does that make you a bad person? Does that make you weak? When they win and you don't feel guilty, and you don't feel remorse and you don't feeling anything does that make you a bad person?

vegemite.

and then you go again. and I miss you. all over again.

simplicity

It's nights like these that mean the most. They are so simple, nothing overly special and nothing exciting but they are the best. They make me smile. I love the ease of it :)

I have had such a great start to 2011 hopefully I haven't just jinxed that. But last night/this morning was fabulous and I'm so thankful and excited too. It's all new and it's going to be a learning experience and it's going to require alot of change on my part but I'm looking forward to the year to come.